Fae Flutterby Feel At Ease

FEEL AT EASE

Remember when you’d often write me a letter

Now tell me what are all these empty papers doing?

Remember when we used to feel down the weather

Now tell me how you battled each day with you still growing?

 

I‘m reaching out

Join me and have no fear

Just hear what’s this about

I won’t make things unclear

 

Feel At Ease…

 

Remember when you’d often make me feel better

Now tell me why the years just passed and kept on going?

Remember when we used to hang out together

Now tell me where have you all been without me knowing?

 

I‘m reaching out

Call if you have to, Dear

Can’t you shake off all doubt?

I won’t ever disappear

 

Feel At Ease…

 


 

Happy birthday to my life’s most wonderful blessings! To God Be The Glory! 🥂

Fae Flutterby - The Power Of A Fervent Prayer

THE POWER OF A FERVENT PRAYER

I am struggling to get back to a lifestyle filled with prayers – it’s not something I am very proud of as this should have been a normal thing from way back when.

But to me, it is a big jump to even be willing.

Although you see, life has its own way of showing you how you should be humbled.

In fact, I tend to believe that adversities are there to keep life interesting.

Without it, it would have been harder to keep going through the same routines and all the certainty it brings.

Let me cite a sample.

I don’t know if I can openly talk about this without any vagueness in it – I don’t think I can. My pride wouldn’t let me.

But I hope you find it relatable in whichever scenario you may be going through these days.

 


 

This isn’t the first time that this happened. It has happened multiple times.

And every time, my heart would sink, my world would crumble, my plans would change, and my strength would falter.

All I know is that I am struggling, and alone at that.

I’m afraid I would be judged that for the only thing I take pride in doing, I fail most of the time at.

And every time, I know I do not have anyone to open it up to, nor lean into.

I know I only have myself to get out of it, which happens to be the hardest part.

And just recently, it happened again.

I think I must have seen it coming from afar – but that I chose to ignore all its signs.

Or that maybe, I chose to be lenient with myself to allow myself some time to breathe and trust that everything will work out fine.

But then again, it didn’t.

Do I feel like a failure? Yes, for the most part.

Do I feel like starting over again? Yes, definitely.

Do I feel like this is going to happen again? Yes, I feel so. Unless I do something different.

But doing something different is scary.

It scares me to a point where it might be a bridge of no return if I decide to cross it.

I’m afraid.

Although I have nothing to lose.

Right while I am writing all these – my mind dilly-dallies if I should or shouldn’t. And if I can or can’t. I don’t trust myself as much, you see.

But it’s not like I have too many options.

I can go through this alone like I always do.

At this point in time, I have all the reason to be anxious. But I choose not to.

That’s the beauty of acceptance.

I’ve accepted the fact that what happened already happened and that all I can do is to trust that things will work out for the better again.

 


 

This, is where I turn to His grace instead.

Honestly, my faith is never anything grandeur. But I have always trusted that He has and never has let us down in any way, and in any manner.

I mean, I can only look back through all those years where adversitites have kept me preoccupied left and right – but here I am, here we all are, standing strong.

If that isn’t something to be thankful about – then I do not know what else there is to be.

Even the bible says so. And I quote:

Hebrews 13:5

Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

 

 

I have learned, that I am not alone.

I can also always choose to hold His hand, and let Him guide me.

But I am afraid. I know the moment I take His hand, I am bound to falter all over again like I once did in the past. I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be able to sustain all the overflowing goodness once I take His hand. And I am not even sure if His hand is outstretched at all to begin with.

“Perhaps.” is the only answer I could ever think of. No certainty.

But the thing that I am very sure of is that only by His grace can I be saved, and can I survive.

And though I am not somebody worthy to be doing this, I still intend to bow my head down in a fervent prayer.

Because only then can I raise up all my worries to Him. Only then can I mutter all my praises and thanksgiving I never normally would at any given day.

And because at the end of each day, all we ever live for is in His mercy.

Fae Flutterby Shut Down

SHUT DOWN

Hello fellas!

I remember telling you all in one blog that I am going to be out of reach no more.

Along with that came opening my doors in every nooks and crannies available – Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Kakao Talk, Line – name it. I probably have it.

And guess what?

It destroyed me.

Perhaps it is because I still have yet to grasp and learn to take control of everything that came rushing in as soon as I opened my doors.

Little did I know that the little world I slowly built can easily be crumbled down if you let the wrong people in.

It can take a toll on you.

Sometimes, even if your only ulterior motive is to just be in a place of wanting to help, it can also suck up all the positivity in you.

And I am not saying everybody was.

I am probably just not as used to all the attention I am getting that it burnt me out.

I’d rather be in my little world again, really. It’s easier that way.

Also, it’s been harder to focus on the things I badly wanted to achieve. There wasn’t much improvement in any of my plans yet – and I am very disappointed with myself about that.

So I’d like to reflect on all the aspects of my life commencing today. I’d like to keep myself away from the world as much as I can – yet again.

I’d like to be in peace – focus more on the things and the people who matter, with myself being the top priority.

I deleted all my social media apps on my phone. They’re still there – afloat. I can still receive any of your messages, just that I wouldn’t be able to see them right away.

I’d probably check them from time to time though, but very rarely at that. So do let me know if you’d like to still keep connected in any way.

And we’ll see from there.

But for now – out of sight, out of mind.

If there’s ever anything urgent you need to contact me about – my mobile number will be your best bet.

And I do not have any plans of coming back until I have made some changes.

I won’t keep this long. I am overly stressed. My chest is tight. I couldn’t breathe. My head is heavy.

Until then!

 

From,

Fae

 

Fae Flutterby What's Goodbye

WHAT’S GOODBYE?

Goodbye could be divorce,

Or the day of graduation.

It could be letting go of one’s arm,

Or to be six feet below the ground.

 

Goodbye could be dismissal time,

Or the closing of curtains.

It could be an echo,

Or a long and longing kiss.

 

Goodbye could be a burning house,

Or to come and not mean to stay.

It could be the fallen leaves,

Or the climax of a story.

 

Goodbye could be a fake smile,

Or the recalling of a tune.

It could be a tintless pen,

Or the never-ending wave of the hand.

 

Goodbye could be an abortion,

Or hearing I’m not whom you loved most.

It could be the last glimpse,

Or going home after reunion.

 

Goodbye could be the last slice of pizza,

Or to live lifeless.

It could be photographs and memories,

Or to be fed up.

 

Goodbye could be “Thank you!”,

Or the end of the late night show.

It could be the setting of the sun,

Or to hope for another start.

 

Goodbye could be the finale,

Or the tears shed.

It could be reaching adulthood,

Or saying “I’m sorry.”.

 

Goodbye could be an erasure,

Or my childhood best friend.

It could be the ringing of bells,

Or going to the next level.

 

But no matter what goodbye is,

Whatever it may mean,

I believe in only one thing:

Goodbye was when you left.

Fae Flutterby Expressions

EXPRESSIONS

 

I sing songs about the birds

The birds that fly across the sky

And chirp happy tunes and melodies

With my delighted heart

 

I sing songs about the sea

The sea that waves wild and bold

And shots hatred and anger

Upon my intrepid ear

 

I sing songs about the air

The air that whispers among thee

And shows itself not, but barely felt

Beneath my sorrowful soul

 

I sing songs about the tree

The tree that for long has stayed

And grew stronger and bigger

Under my numbness, it enfolds

 

I sing songs about the rain

The rain that had gone by

And I know one day or the other

In my grasp it’ll come back

Fae Flutterby An Eye Opener

AN EYE-OPENER

(Originally Written On May 2011)

I am having a bad day at work today. I am not feeling well. This headache makes everything swirl right in front of me. I need to go home. I’m being sent home. But I chose not to.

A typical day it is. Logging in, letting the dialer system take and make calls, making sure to get a hold of people to collect from their debts, if not performing a skip trace.

As you may all not know yet, I work for one of the widely known banks based in the U.S., as a Credits and Collections Analyst.

And I admit – it really is hard when you’re already dizzy and your eyes still need to dig in to digits that don’t even matter to you, but does matter a lot to other people’s lives.

So I had my first call. A cardholder whom I intend to call Michelle. I asked Michelle why she would not be able to make a payment of $55.26 – an amount which is pretty small for an average American. She told me it was her current unemployment situation, or her temporary disability, if not her funeral soon. I was honestly astonished until she decided to tell me her story, which I listened to intently.

Michelle had massive blood clotting, January of this year. No, she didn’t get into any car accidents. Neither did she bump hardly into anything. It was genetically acquired. She describes it as a blood clot that rises from her foot, to her groin, up to her heart. According to her, if she moves around, or simply works at her desk, there is a big probability she will pass out.

The reason for such, is that the doctors created a filter within, so as to decrease the amount of blood clotting happening inside her, especially near her heart. Which is also the reason why when she gets up, the blood that was supposed to get back to her heart to be pumped out to her whole body is being gradually blocked.

She has 2 kids. One was 9, the other was 10. “They were amazing and they’re unbelievably behave. They would take care of me, and do all the household chores. As you know, it was just them and me. I am a single mother, you know.” she even added.

I was listening my way through when I remembered I still had to take control of the call so I managed to ask: “So Michelle, if you don’t mind me asking, how are you getting by?

She is 34. Spent $64,000 for her Master’s Degree. Was really healthy. Was in the climax of her career. Was employed by one of the top 500 companies in the United States. Was.

She is now bedridden, is now applying for an insurance for her permanent disability (which we both hope gets approved), and she is also about to lose her car soon.

In fact, they were only given support by the kids’ schools through groceries, to help them in the least possible way.

So let me rephrase my first sentence above.

I was having a bad day at work today – without even realizing there are people who can’t even get up and make a living for their loved ones as much as they want to. I am not feeling well – but other people are in worse conditions than myself right this very moment. This headache makes everything swirl right in front of me. I need to go home. I’m being sent home. But I chose not to. And it is one of the best although small decisions I have ever made.

I am blessed more than I can ever imagine. So I better get this job done, create results, and complain less.

Lessons learned.

THREE DAYS OF FASTING

Hello fellas!

I have been practising fasting for as long as I can remember, although inconsistently at that.

But I just wanted to share my little accomplishment these past few, and maybe also give you an insight of where I am at, healthwise.

 


 

DEFINITION

There are different kinds of fasts I have tried. There’s IF of 16:8, IF of 18:6, IF of 20:4, IF of 23:1 or OMAD, EAT-STOP-EAT and EF.

Now this may seem like a code you need to crack, but it’s not really rocket science.

Allow me to explain and define them one by one.

  • IF (Intermittent Fasting) – It is a kind of fasting where you only limit your food intake for certain hours whereby defined as being in the ‘Feeding Window’ or ‘Fasting Window’. Sometimes, other people also call it ‘Feast’ and ‘Famine’. Loving the terms, really!
  • 16:8 – Fasting for 16 hours; feeding for only 8 hours. A very common example is, fasting after 8PM, and eating at 12PM the next day. That allows you to fast for 16 hours straight. You can always modify it depending on what hours are more suitable for you though!
  • 18:6 – Fasting for 18 hours; feeding for only 6 hours.
  • 20:4 – Fasting for 20 hours; feeding for only 4 hours.
  • 23:1 or OMAD (One Meal A Day) – Fasting for 23 hours; feeding for only 1 hour. Or at least just eating once per day, no matter what time.
  • EAT-STOP-EAT – Fasting for 1 day, refeeding the next, and fasting for 24 hours again the day after.
  • EF (Extended Fasting) – These are fasts that go longer than 36 hours of no solid food intake.

 


 

FASTING FOR THREE DAYS

As far as I know, this has been the longest I have gone without food. Initially, I wasn’t sure about how long I can go but I badly wanted to test my limits.

I didn’t really plan on going for 3 days. I just started on Day 1 not noticing I didn’t consume anything for the day, which I then tried to extend until Day 2. Which, in the end, lasted until Day 3.

So let me take you through everything I have gone through for the 3 days that I spent without food.

DAY 1

On the first day, I did feel a bit heavy in the head towards the afternoon and the evening. It was a pain on one side of my head, but was fairly tolerable. I think fasting in the past has also greatly helped towards my tolerance and resilience when it comes to food consumption. I mean, I can easily be tempted, surely.

I also felt hunger pangs on this day. My body was really struggling to convince me to get some food, especially on the hours where I really used to consume food. My body felt a bit groggy as you would when you are going into starvation mode of some sort, where your body goes on a full-time emergency hiccup due to the lack of glucose in my blood and brain which they have always relied to, mostly.

I had trouble sleeping on this day. It is most probably because I had so much energy since my insides aren’t doing anything major, really. I would say, I have gotten by through short naps here and there. All good though.

DAY 2

I can feel my stomach really pressed onto my spine on this day. Like you can really feel there is nothing in there, and there is no activity whatsoever in my digestive tract. It feels light, and I do not feel hungry anymore.

One more thing that I noticed on Day 2 is that my sense of smell and taste has heightened. Like, if I drink lemon juice, I can really taste the lemon away from the water, and smelling things can almost feel like I can taste them.

I tried to test myself even. I asked the little girl in the house if I can smell the bread she is eating. She allowed me to. And boy, smelling it felt almost like tasting it literally, that it satisfied me and that got me through the day! Hahaha!

I also felt a little foggy in my head this day. My mind takes a while before it can process little tasks that I do with ease before. This is temporary though. There are tons of explanations you can see online as to why this happens, but this is all for a good cause.

DAY 3

I couldn’t even make out of Day 3, honestly. It began to felt like a normal day. I figured you can get accustomed to the feeling, although eating is also something one can miss.

But that was about it. Today feels easier, and I feel lighter. And surprisingly, my energy is not on an all-time low. If any, my energy is even boosted.

I ended my fast after 3 days because in all honesty, I got tempted with my mother’s cooking. But I guess if it weren’t for that, I could have gone longer.

And perhaps I will try to go longer next time, as there is so much health benefits you can get from Extended Fasting – one of which is Autophagy, an increase in HGH, and another – Ketosis.

 


 

So yeah, that’s my little summary. I’d probably be able to blog more about this as intricately as possible, while I keep practicing it for health purposes, and I’ll keep you in the loop if I could.

Happy fasting!

From,

Fae

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OUT OF REACH NO MORE

THE TREE

In my quest to try and live a life of legacy where I wouldn’t want to be easily forgotten, I tried one thing that I have always been afraid of – reaching out to people.

These days, I like my presence to be known. I’d like to leave footprints in people’s hearts as much as I could as proof that once, I existed. And that for once, I lived.

I don’t know what has gotten into me, but turning 30 recently made me feel as though I am already halfway through life.

It made me become more in tune with my thoughts, my feelings, and with the present happenings around me.

THE BARK

I usually wait for the right time – I’m a procrastinator. I don’t know if it’s stemming from my own self-doubts or that I really believe things could still get better.

I always thought my skin could get better, I always thought I could always lose some more weight, I always thought I could dress better, and I always thought my life would probably be a whole much more meaningful if I just work a little harder.

But I realized so much time has passed by waiting for the right moment – to be happy, to be content, to live life.

THE BRANCH

So I decided I’d like to be present in the moment.

Recently I attended a highschool classmate’s wedding – something I would never do out of the blue, or just because. But I did anyway. Because that one time will never happen again.

I also show up in family reunions as much as I could after all these years of missing in action. I spend more time laughing with my cousins, appreciating their quirks, re-living the yesteryears, helping out my relatives in ways I know how, and just try to be around, really.

I try to play with the little ones at home if I could – because they wouldn’t always be little, and I know I will miss it when they aren’t anymore.

I hug and kiss my parents more, and purposely annoy them at times too. I figured I want to be more showy with my feelings, be someone they can vent to and lean on, and recently, I at least think I tend to be more sensitive to their feelings too.

And these do not happen only if I get the time – I now make the time.

THE ROOT

We only have one life, and here I am trying to document these little things, because I don’t want to forget any of them. I feel like I have developed this fear of missing out – but in a good way.

I can’t be wasting all these preciousness because it is rare.

Imagine, I could have been born 80 years ago, and all these people in my life could have just been born. We could have probably not met – but we all did at a certain point in this life.

In this timeline, we were all given a chance to meet. Of all people I could’ve met, here you all are. We were gathered in one place. And I think I should make that rare chance count.

THE SPROUT

I recently celebrated my birthday – and hadn’t it been for Facebook reminding everyone it is indeed my birthday that day, or allowing people to post on my feed for the first time, not much people would have probably remembered it is my birthday.

And this thought occured to me many times that day. “Have I not touched enough people’s lives that no one tends to remember me even on my special day?”

It hit me. And it hit me hard at that.

Of all the people I came across with – batchmates, colleagues, people from a religion I do not practice anymore, schoolmates, acquaintances, guildees, TV industry – not much remembered.

THE FLOWER

Which brings me down to this new quest – one where I touch more people’s lives. How I do that, I barely even know. But I can always try one good deed at a time.

These days, I breathe air like I would never have a chance again. I spend my days like I wouldn’t have another. I now choose my battles, and I seize the day and weigh out what matters.

THE FRUIT

So I am reaching out to you – whoever you are.

Whether you were part of my past or will be part of my future…

*extends hand*

“Hello.”

Just take my hand.

 

 

 

 

I FELL IN LOVE

You might be thinking “Don’t we all?”

Yes, we probably all have at one point or another.

But this is different. And if you allow me to let you understand my standpoint as to why I had to get this post out, it might just open your eyes.

Shall I tell you my story?

 

I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE

“I have never been in love.”

This is probably one of the toughest claims I ever had to make.

In fact, I only recently realized this after not having been in a relationship for long.

It has finally occurred to me how a pause is utterly important.

Sometimes, we need to find time away from things to regain its meaning again, just like life, love, and all the aspects in between.

And this isn’t something I came up with just out of the blue.

It took so much thought, so much experience, so much comparison, and so much reasoning, before I became stern with my conclusion.

Finally, I guess it’s safe to say that I was able to distinguish what love is from what it is not, although it’s not in any way my intention to define what it is, today – just a heads up!

 

I HAVE NEVER BEEN RIGHT

“My ideas were quite wrong.”

For some reason, I always get attracted to broken people. To me then, love was when you feel this innate desire to fill in people’s brokenness.

That’s where my idea revolved around when it comes to love.

And I guess my idea is kind of twisted.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I give out compliments.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I make sure that they feel confident about themselves.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I worry about them purposely. (And sometimes, forcefully too!)

I thought back then that it was love whenever I show them affection.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I let them have my full attention.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I ensure they feel secured, wanted, and missed.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I have them do things their way.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I allow everything they wanted to.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I provide them more room for my own self-sacrifice.

I was wrong.

The things I thought back then weren’t the only things that define you indeed fell in love with a person.

Boy, did I have to learn the hard way that everything I thought about love, wasn’t love at all.

I swear it was quite a feat!

 

I HAVE NEVER BEEN CLEAR

“I probably just needed some company.”

It was always only as if I have to force myself to this person I do not truly want – but was available.

Now that I think about it, I must have never fallen head over heels over anybody, I would say. It was always more of an obsession I created, or an addiction that was hard to quit.

Sometimes, I just try the best that I ever could to accept them until my own system regurgitates them off of me.

Until I find that everything they say, do, or even breathe, are all annoying.

More like, I only prioritise them at one point in my life, until it sucks.

#NAMSAYN #YouKnowWhatIAmSaying

I even have a record of being the one to always leave in a relationship.

Am I bad? You can say so.

And I won’t blame you.

Perhaps it has also been too easy to lay down the words “I love you.” as opposed to really doing them.

If I were to word it in my own terms, it is probably more of that I dedicated myself to a person for a certain period of time, instead.

Although on a side note, I’d seriously compliment myself in that regard, as I really liked the way I dedicated my life to the ones whom I thought I loved.

Because it turned out, that I fought for them in all ways I could, I gave them everything until I bleed out dry, and because I cared for them the best way I know how – while it lasted.

No regrets, indeed!

 

I HAVE NEVER BEEN AVAILABLE

“I’ve never given my 100%, even for once.”

I guess it was all because of the reason that I wasn’t available in most, if not all aspects – physically, emotionally, financially, and et cetera.

I could have dedicated my life to these people – but in reality, at the back of my head, I have other plans.

In fact, up until this point, being in love with another individual is not a priority for me. Not at all.

To a point where if I a guy that I like will try to make a move, they will only get turned down non-chalantly.

Not only that, my standards have been set so unrealistically high these days as I realize and learn a ton of things.

Besides, I have too many things to work on, too many things to improve, too many responsibilites, too many obligations, and too many dreams to reach.

 

BUT TODAY I FELL IN LOVE

“But today, I fell in love.”

Yes, I did.

And I am proud to finally say so.

Here’s our story…

I met this person today, and boy, did I like everything I saw.

Skin is rather dry. Face is rather swollen. Hair is rather disheveled all over.

But what struck me the most is the peace you can see in those eyes longingly looking at me.

I smiled.

“Ah, so this is you.” I muttered.

I tried to take a picture of this person through my phone’s camera with no filters and all – something I myself have always dreaded doing.

But upon seeing the photo, I felt pity altogether.

I frowned.

And the words that came out of my mouth were: “Stop looking for your other half. You, yourself are whole.”

It was stern. My words were.

This person is here, fighting for existence, finding a place here on Earth, and here I am, already judging too easily just like that.

Am I not?

Perhaps. Perhaps not.

Honestly, I have finally come to my senses and realized just how much potential I have – which is one major difference from then and now. Not fully, but enough to know. 

I now know that I can give so much more.

I now know that I am worth so much more.

I now also know that love is something so much more.

I am slowly learning to value myself better these days, even.

Which is exactly why I am being like this towards this person.

This person in the mirror looking back at me, whom I have completely chosen to fully fall in love with.