Disclaimer: This blog was published empty on 08-08-2020 at 8:08 PM. But the dates below will tell you how I will fill these all in, little by little.
April 28, 2021 / 10:13 PM
I keep wondering how you are. I even wonder if you wonder about me too. It’s been 44 days since we decided to part ways. Or when I decided I have had enough, which caused me to leave what we had.
But it hasn’t been easy for me at all. There was never a day when I didn’t miss you. Inside of me, there is a big gap that only you can fill. In fact, I am only cruising through the days – getting by one task at a time, one day at a time. And I wouldn’t say I have gotten used to it. I even think that I probably will never get used to this emptiness in this lifetime.
If I were to put it into a comparison, I would say it feels the same as how I would cry every weekends when you and your twin had to go home far away when we were a whole lot younger – just that it is happening everyday now. That’s how empty it feels. I feel like crying every time – when I go out (because I always had you with me), when I buy things (because I always had you to decide with me), when I eat (because we always share the same plate together), and when I wind down to sleep (because I always had your embrace). Literally, everything. Because I got so accustomed to being with you 24 hours of my day, 7 days of my week.
How have your days been? Were they any easy? Are you happy? If you ask me, they have all been hard. I am still struggling day in and day out. I still couldn’t get over what happened with us. I have so many questions as to why we ended up this way.
“Tayong dalawa lang ha?” I remember how you would always ask my confirmation on this matter back then, to which I would always lovingly reply with “Opo, tayong dalawa lang.” to keep all your worries away. I also remember how we kept asking just for one day to be together at the very least, because it seemed so impossible back then – you were in Japan, and I am here in the Philippines. But, luckily, the day we both ever asked for, finally happened. It turned into weeks, into months, and into years until we gave less and less value of the opportunity that has been given to us. Was that how careless we have been?
Earlier, I was playing My Love by Westlife using the guitar. How baduy, right? But as I was going through the lyrics, I can’t help but think that it’s our story written years before we even knew there could be an ‘us’. How ironic. Plus, it’s you who taught me that song along with its chords in our high school years, and that it’s the first song I ever learned to play in the guitar. I guess life has its own way of letting us realize things.
But yeah, I will park my pen for now. (Or in this case, my fingers against the keyboard.) I’ll write to you again soon, I guess. I hope you’re having a good night, nevertheless.
April 29, 2021 / 5:35 AM
Good morning, Daddy.
I haven’t even slept yet. I couldn’t get my mind off of so many things and I just feel too overwhelmed about all these abrupt happenings.
So I popped in here instead to dump some of my thoughts. I’m teary-eyed once again. I think this whole thing is giving me anxiety.
I can’t cope.
My insides literally hurt in pain. I wish I could live in peace. But a lot of what happened to us still haunts me to this day.
They say, it’ll all get better in time. But does it really? I keep trying to heal these days – in all the ways I know how. But I feel like what could help heal me right now is your embrace.
Will all these hurt ever end?
April 30, 2021 / 8:27 AM
To whom it may concern,
I will let today be the end of all my miseries.
I guess I have given myself enough time to grieve. I am tired of mourning. I am tired of weeping.
And this time, I want to make peace with my past and consciously move forward to a happier and healthier version of me.
So, I am letting God control and take over.
Maybe I’ll write again. Or maybe I wouldn’t. Who knows?
I’ll let the future beautifully unfold right before my very eyes this time.
Thank you for the life lessons.
Somebody who has finally gotten a grip of herself and some clarity
June 20, 2021 / 11:09 PM
Like nothing is happening. Like you’re unaffected. Like everything is normal. Like I’m not hurting. Like I don’t exist.
I cried after slapping myself on each side of my face today. Because I told myself no matter how much I try, you will never see my worth, you will never appreciate me, you will never love me the way I deserve to be loved, you will never respect me, you will never show me off, you will never care, you will never run to save me, you will never be proud of me, you will never keep me at peace, and you will never be that someone I don’t have to run away from.
I was just an instrument for your boredom, a pass time until you can get who you want to get, a stepping stone for your success, a helper from when you’re in need – but more than that, in a deeper sense, and in reality… for you, and in your life, I’m sadly just a nobody.
June 23, 2021 / 06:58 PM
Hi. (I remember you’d always greet me with this, but this time, my tone is rather monotonous and heavy, as opposed to yours which had always been high-pitched and bubbly.)
So, I just wanted to dump a few things here that has been cluttering in my head these past few minutes ago, while I was taking a night walk.
As I was running errands tonight, I purposely passed by the houses we lived in – the pink house, where we lived for 2 months, the green house, where we lived for 10 months, and the gray house, where we lived for 2 months. How ironic that now we already live separate lives. I’m here slumped in my pastel house, where we lived for a few days, and you now have a black house, which we have lived in for 4 months, which you’re probably and hopefully comfortable to be in.
I also passed by the place where we had our furry son, and caught a quick glimpse inside. Each time I pass by these roads, I cannot not remember you. I remember what your vehicle sounds like, and I can distinguish it from all the rest. I did take a quick look at the sky, and remembered how when I always do so, you were just right by my side.
But things are different now. We used to share one life, but I guess it is safe to claim that neither of us are the right people for each other. That’s probably the sad reality of life. Because God knows how much we tried. But it always just ends up this way. So, I guess this is what I’ll believe in.
Little by little, I know we will get to accept all these. And little by little, maybe we will get used to all these.
Until next time, or until I feel like writing again. Ciao.
June 25, 2021 / 07:30 PM
Aalis na po ako.