Disclaimer: This blog was published empty on 08-08-2020 at 8:08 PM. But the dates below will tell you how I will fill these all in, little by little.
April 28, 2021 / 10:13 PM
I keep wondering how you are. I even wonder if you wonder about me too. It’s been 44 days since we decided to part ways. Or when I decided I have had enough, which caused me to leave what we had.
But it hasn’t been easy for me at all. There was never a day when I didn’t miss you. Inside of me, there is a big gap that only you can fill. In fact, I am only cruising through the days – getting by one task at a time, one day at a time. And I wouldn’t say I have gotten used to it. I even think that I probably will never get used to this emptiness in this lifetime.
If I were to put it into a comparison, I would say it feels the same as how I would cry every weekends when you and your twin had to go home far away when we were a whole lot younger – just that it is happening everyday now. That’s how empty it feels. I feel like crying every time – when I go out (because I always had you with me), when I buy things (because I always had you to decide with me), when I eat (because we always share the same plate together), and when I wind down to sleep (because I always had your embrace). Literally, everything. Because I got so accustomed to being with you 24 hours of my day, 7 days of my week.
How have your days been? Were they any easy? Are you happy? If you ask me, they have all been hard. I am still struggling day in and day out. I still couldn’t get over what happened with us. I have so many questions as to why we ended up this way.
“Tayong dalawa lang ha?” I remember how you would always ask my confirmation on this matter back then, to which I would always lovingly reply with “Opo, tayong dalawa lang.” to keep all your worries away. I also remember how we kept asking just for one day to be together at the very least, because it seemed so impossible back then – you were in Japan, and I am here in the Philippines. But, luckily, the day we both ever asked for, finally happened. It turned into weeks, into months, and into years until we gave less and less value of the opportunity that has been given to us. Was that how careless we have been?
Earlier, I was playing My Love by Westlife using the guitar. How baduy, right? But as I was going through the lyrics, I can’t help but think that it’s our story written years before we even knew there could be an ‘us’. How ironic. Plus, it’s you who taught me that song along with its chords in our high school years, and that it’s the first song I ever learned to play in the guitar. I guess life has its own way of letting us realize things.
But yeah, I will park my pen for now. (Or in this case, my fingers against the keyboard.) I’ll write to you again soon, I guess. I hope you’re having a good night, nevertheless.
April 29, 2021 / 5:35 AM
Good morning, Daddy.
I haven’t even slept yet. I couldn’t get my mind off of so many things and I just feel too overwhelmed about all these abrupt happenings.
So I popped in here instead to dump some of my thoughts. I’m teary-eyed once again. I think this whole thing is giving me anxiety.
I can’t cope.
My insides literally hurt in pain. I wish I could live in peace. But a lot of what happened to us still haunts me to this day.
They say, it’ll all get better in time. But does it really? I keep trying to heal these days – in all the ways I know how. But I feel like what could help heal me right now is your embrace.
Will all these hurt ever end?
April 30, 2021 / 8:27 AM
To whom it may concern,
I will let today be the end of all my miseries.
I guess I have given myself enough time to grieve. I am tired of mourning. I am tired of weeping.
And this time, I want to make peace with my past and consciously move forward to a happier and healthier version of me.
So, I am letting God control and take over.
Maybe I’ll write again. Or maybe I wouldn’t. Who knows?
I’ll let the future beautifully unfold right before my very eyes this time.
Thank you for the life lessons.
Somebody who has finally gotten a grip of herself and some clarity