“I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me.”

As the song goes, I realized I haven’t really fully been to myself.

And I thought, I should put a halt into that.

I have been so used to putting other people first before myself – people who wanted to be listened to, other people’s goals and needs that needed some helping, and all other things else I can’t and don’t know how to say ‘No.’ to. And I have always put myself behind all those.

Somehow, I always think that I will always have more time, more resources, and more strength. I always think that I will have enough, or that I can gain it all back, or that if I have done it once – I am sure I can do it again.

I never thought that I was also losing time, losing energy, losing focus, losing money, and losing grip.

Putting everyone else in front of me just gets me farther and farther into my goals.

But commencing the Q4 of 2020, I swore to myself I would try to give less fucks about people around me and just start building on my own again. I feel like I have given people enough and this time, I should cater to myself more.

Nobody needs myself more better than I do.

Don’t get me wrong – I still LOVE helping people. But I cannot deny the fact anymore that I am very overwhelmed, the weight is heavy, and that I am human.

So I guess I should turn my back to every body for now, and just slowly swim myself into the shore. Little did I know I’ve already been drowning for far too long.

And in my little mind, I have this inkling to think that I’m the only one who can save myself from all these. 

And when I get back up, I am going to bring everybody with me. I will be by then much stronger to bear the weight of everything else that’s burdening me right now.

It sucks. It sucks not because I am able to help people out – in fact I love it. But it sucks to finally realize I have neglected myself along in the process.

This too shall pass.