OUT OF REACH NO MORE

THE TREE

In my quest to try and live a life of legacy where I wouldn’t want to be easily forgotten, I tried one thing that I have always been afraid of – reaching out to people.

These days, I like my presence to be known. I’d like to leave footprints in people’s hearts as much as I could as proof that once, I existed. And that for once, I lived.

I don’t know what has gotten into me, but turning 30 recently made me feel as though I am already halfway through life.

It made me become more in tune with my thoughts, my feelings, and with the present happenings around me.

THE BARK

I usually wait for the right time – I’m a procrastinator. I don’t know if it’s stemming from my own self-doubts or that I really believe things could still get better.

I always thought my skin could get better, I always thought I could always lose some more weight, I always thought I could dress better, and I always thought my life would probably be a whole much more meaningful if I just work a little harder.

But I realized so much time has passed by waiting for the right moment – to be happy, to be content, to live life.

THE BRANCH

So I decided I’d like to be present in the moment.

Recently I attended a highschool classmate’s wedding – something I would never do out of the blue, or just because. But I did anyway. Because that one time will never happen again.

I also show up in family reunions as much as I could after all these years of missing in action. I spend more time laughing with my cousins, appreciating their quirks, re-living the yesteryears, helping out my relatives in ways I know how, and just try to be around, really.

I try to play with the little ones at home if I could – because they wouldn’t always be little, and I know I will miss it when they aren’t anymore.

I hug and kiss my parents more, and purposely annoy them at times too. I figured I want to be more showy with my feelings, be someone they can vent to and lean on, and recently, I at least think I tend to be more sensitive to their feelings too.

And these do not happen only if I get the time – I now make the time.

THE ROOT

We only have one life, and here I am trying to document these little things, because I don’t want to forget any of them. I feel like I have developed this fear of missing out – but in a good way.

I can’t be wasting all these preciousness because it is rare.

Imagine, I could have been born 80 years ago, and all these people in my life could have just been born. We could have probably not met – but we all did at a certain point in this life.

In this timeline, we were all given a chance to meet. Of all people I could’ve met, here you all are. We were gathered in one place. And I think I should make that rare chance count.

THE SPROUT

I recently celebrated my birthday – and hadn’t it been for Facebook reminding everyone it is indeed my birthday that day, or allowing people to post on my feed for the first time, not much people would have probably remembered it is my birthday.

And this thought occured to me many times that day. “Have I not touched enough people’s lives that no one tends to remember me even on my special day?”

It hit me. And it hit me hard at that.

Of all the people I came across with – batchmates, colleagues, people from a religion I do not practice anymore, schoolmates, acquaintances, guildees, TV industry – not much remembered.

THE FLOWER

Which brings me down to this new quest – one where I touch more people’s lives. How I do that, I barely even know. But I can always try one good deed at a time.

These days, I breathe air like I would never have a chance again. I spend my days like I wouldn’t have another. I now choose my battles, and I seize the day and weigh out what matters.

THE FRUIT

So I am reaching out to you – whoever you are.

Whether you were part of my past or will be part of my future…

*extends hand*

“Hello.”

Just take my hand.

 

 

 

 

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I FELL IN LOVE

You might be thinking “Don’t we all?”

Yes, we probably all have at one point or another.

But this is different. And if you allow me to let you understand my standpoint as to why I had to get this post out, it might just open your eyes.

Shall I tell you my story?

 

I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE

“I have never been in love.”

This is probably one of the toughest claims I ever had to make.

In fact, I only recently realized this after not having been in a relationship for long.

It has finally occurred to me how a pause is utterly important.

Sometimes, we need to find time away from things to regain its meaning again, just like life, love, and all the aspects in between.

And this isn’t something I came up with just out of the blue.

It took so much thought, so much experience, so much comparison, and so much reasoning, before I became stern with my conclusion.

Finally, I guess it’s safe to say that I was able to distinguish what love is from what it is not, although it’s not in any way my intention to define what it is, today – just a heads up!

 

I HAVE NEVER BEEN RIGHT

“My ideas were quite wrong.”

For some reason, I always get attracted to broken people. To me then, love was when you feel this innate desire to fill in people’s brokenness.

That’s where my idea revolved around when it comes to love.

And I guess my idea is kind of twisted.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I give out compliments.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I make sure that they feel confident about themselves.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I worry about them purposely. (And sometimes, forcefully too!)

I thought back then that it was love whenever I show them affection.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I let them have my full attention.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I ensure they feel secured, wanted, and missed.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I have them do things their way.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I allow everything they wanted to.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I provide them more room for my own self-sacrifice.

I was wrong.

The things I thought back then weren’t the only things that define you indeed fell in love with a person.

Boy, did I have to learn the hard way that everything I thought about love, wasn’t love at all.

I swear it was quite a feat!

 

I HAVE NEVER BEEN CLEAR

“I probably just needed some company.”

It was always only as if I have to force myself to this person I do not truly want – but was available.

Now that I think about it, I must have never fallen head over heels over anybody, I would say. It was always more of an obsession I created, or an addiction that was hard to quit.

Sometimes, I just try the best that I ever could to accept them until my own system regurgitates them off of me.

Until I find that everything they say, do, or even breathe, are all annoying.

More like, I only prioritise them at one point in my life, until it sucks.

#NAMSAYN #YouKnowWhatIAmSaying

I even have a record of being the one to always leave in a relationship.

Am I bad? You can say so.

And I won’t blame you.

Perhaps it has also been too easy to lay down the words “I love you.” as opposed to really doing them.

If I were to word it in my own terms, it is probably more of that I dedicated myself to a person for a certain period of time, instead.

Although on a side note, I’d seriously compliment myself in that regard, as I really liked the way I dedicated my life to the ones whom I thought I loved.

Because it turned out, that I fought for them in all ways I could, I gave them everything until I bleed out dry, and because I cared for them the best way I know how – while it lasted.

No regrets, indeed!

 

I HAVE NEVER BEEN AVAILABLE

“I’ve never given my 100%, even for once.”

I guess it was all because of the reason that I wasn’t available in most, if not all aspects – physically, emotionally, financially, and et cetera.

I could have dedicated my life to these people – but in reality, at the back of my head, I have other plans.

In fact, up until this point, being in love with another individual is not a priority for me. Not at all.

To a point where if I a guy that I like will try to make a move, they will only get turned down non-chalantly.

Not only that, my standards have been set so unrealistically high these days as I realize and learn a ton of things.

Besides, I have too many things to work on, too many things to improve, too many responsibilites, too many obligations, and too many dreams to reach.

 

BUT TODAY I FELL IN LOVE

“But today, I fell in love.”

Yes, I did.

And I am proud to finally say so.

Here’s our story…

I met this person today, and boy, did I like everything I saw.

Skin is rather dry. Face is rather swollen. Hair is rather disheveled all over.

But what struck me the most is the peace you can see in those eyes longingly looking at me.

I smiled.

“Ah, so this is you.” I muttered.

I tried to take a picture of this person through my phone’s camera with no filters and all – something I myself have always dreaded doing.

But upon seeing the photo, I felt pity altogether.

I frowned.

And the words that came out of my mouth were: “Stop looking for your other half. You, yourself are whole.”

It was stern. My words were.

This person is here, fighting for existence, finding a place here on Earth, and here I am, already judging too easily just like that.

Am I not?

Perhaps. Perhaps not.

Honestly, I have finally come to my senses and realized just how much potential I have – which is one major difference from then and now. Not fully, but enough to know. 

I now know that I can give so much more.

I now know that I am worth so much more.

I now also know that love is something so much more.

I am slowly learning to value myself better these days, even.

Which is exactly why I am being like this towards this person.

This person in the mirror looking back at me, whom I have completely chosen to fully fall in love with.

 

 

 

PLEASE READ

My life is a whole blur at the moment.

Heck, I don’t even know how I am going to get this blog post started. I just wanted to get it out. I needed to get it out. Because it’s suffocating – suffocating and empty all at once.

People have absolutely no idea that at my current state, I am losing grip on life. They all think I have my life all figured out.

But in reality, I don’t know what I’ve been doing, or where I am going, or what I am aiming at. I am too lost, and I couldn’t breathe, and I don’t know which step to take next.

I literally had to sit back on a chair and I didn’t even know where to look. I looked at myself and I looked around me – everything is a mess, and all I know is that this isn’t where I wanted to be.

What sucks more, is that, I think I have the ability to see the emptiness in people’s eyes, but nobody seems to hear the whimpers behind mine.

I think it’s a curse – but I can see people’s brokenness from afar.

And I tend to gravitate towards them like it was my life purpose – that I feel like I have the ability to make people complete in my littlest of ways.

I have always tried my best to reach out to people in hopes to be able to fill in their cracks and their gaps.

But can anybody even see the spaces in mine? The many puzzle pieces I’ve lost along the way? The little portions of myself I tend to give out even if I know I will be left with very little to none?

If you read this and know that you can talk some sense into me – this is your chance, and now is the right time.

Don’t even ask me what’s wrong, I do not know what is – in fact, everything could be.

I need you. Please reach out.

THE DANGERS OF FALLING IN LOVE WITH THE IDEA OF SOMEONE

THE INTERNALIZATION

To give you a better insight of how the concept of falling in love with an idea is, I’d like to take you through a quick journey.

I picked out a random guy I do not personally know. I haven’t seen him, nor have been with him at all.

These are all just going to be pre-conceived notions of who he is, or who he could be based on what I observe about him on Social Media.

Try to internalize with me as you read along. I will have questions afterwards.

Are you ready? Let’s start!

He was five people.

Every one of him was different. Or at least my idea of him is.

The guy with the sharp eyes

The guy with the sharp eyes scares me most of the time. He is someone I do not understand. He smiles rather sarcastically, where his lips curl on one side of his face while letting out somewhat a smirk and a sigh altogether. He says and does things the opposite of what I would prefer. He is someone who makes me feel small and insignificant. He’s a snob. And I would never have a clue what runs in his mind. You can see him in gold or silver chains, earrings, ash gray hair, rings in most of his fingers, raps like a maniac, and has so much swag. I wouldn’t dare approach him, honestly. Oh, and he smokes too, and a lot at that.

The guy with the warm smile

The guy with the warm smile is tender, sweet, and soft-spoken. He is a little naive and stubborn, but he is responsive to my requests. His eyes are always smiling and shining – you can easily tell. His hair is always worn down with his bangs lowly hanging right before his eyes. I must say he is also a very loving son. He can be seen with a pair of fully clear spectacles at times, if not with his Dachshund, or his Corgi, or his Bichon Frise. His hair is jet-black. He speaks with a lisp. He is simple, and very thoughtful. And if anything more, he makes me feel like I matter.

The silly guy

The silly guy is the life of the party. He is always seen with company who are almost always laughing at his quirks – whether he is dancing ridiculously, singing hilariously, or acting dumb. His friends would capture his loud snores and he is proud of them. He is always with his circle, so it can be hard to get a hold of him. He can do all sorts of funny things – from a really distorted face, to playing hula hoops with his hands raised in the air, to shouting at the top of his lungs without giving a damn, to being really sensitive tickle-wise, to holding a pan readily aimed at you, or to throwing you some rocks if he feels like doing so. He loves to talk non-sense and finds pleasure in making those around him entertained.

The child

The child is really adorable. He is easily pleased, and is easily happy about simple things. He rarely shows this side of his. But it was significant enough that I was able to notice him. You would want to take care of him. He has a tendency to lose things, or be easily fooled. He takes pleasure in food, in new shoes, in coffee, and in Barney stuffed toys. He likes to travel, and appreciates nature, but hasn’t really travelled by himself as he can be quite scared. He can also take really good pictures. And I can easily assume he has an eye for art – abstract, at that. He also has several desires fashion-wise, but that he acts cute if he knows he can’t afford it.

The musician

The musician is very strict. He is very serious about the job that he does, and the music that he makes. But you can see him spring to life and have fun when he is on stage. You can easily depict a tinge of nervousness in him, but the charisma is there. After all, the show must go on, shouldn’t it? If there is any distinguishing factor about this guy, is that he has the most beautiful laugh I’ve ever heard. His laugh alone is already music to my ears. If given the chance, I would like to hear him laugh for the rest of my life. He is fire. He has the desire to push himself to the limits to reach his dreams, and won’t let anything stop it. He worries about it at times, even, of how he will be in a few years, while all his friends are getting succesful. He doesn’t mind women, and extends his support instead to his fellow musicians in the industry.


 

THE ASSESSMENT

How did you feel?

Do you feel like you already ‘kind of’ know this person?

Do you already have a mental image of how he might look like?

How about with how he talks, or how his voice sounds like?

Do you now have a hunch of how he might react depending on a certain situation?

If you do, that’s exactly how you get an idea of a person. Idea – but not necessarily the truth.

Everything I said above are just samples of having an idea of somebody.

At a glance, you would even probably think that I am talking about a person who suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder, but I am not.

They were all just based on how I find him to be.

And this person can surely be an entirely different individual than how I described him above, and my perceptions may all be wrong.

 


 

THE RATIONALE

Falling in love with an idea of somebody is a whole new different level though – we all have ideas of people around us anyway, don’t we?

Sometimes, even of ourselves. We tend to think we are this kind of person, only to find out later that we have been trying to pursue a certain image we are exactly not. But I will talk about all these in another blog.

The point is, we always have ideas – whether of ourselves or others.

But if you fall in love with an idea of somebody, that only means to say you have already made the decision to choose to believe on your ideas of that person – hence, giving up on the truth.

And it’s a pity if we give it more thought, as there are reasons why we do this.

Denial – We choose to create a mental image of the ‘perfect’ person ‘perfectly’ suited for us and only does ‘perfect’ things in the ‘perfect’ moments like he sprung out from a movie or a fairytale. And since this real person is close to what you had in mind, or at least workable in that regard, then you choose to go for him, put him in a pedestal, and it all starts there. You deny him of his flaws, of his imperfections, and of whom he might not be, because it is convenient. Because he is convenient. Because he will do. And because he is available.

Resources – Sometimes, we also fall in love with an idea of what a person is, because we have little to no resources of getting to know that person. He might be a celebrity, a politician, an athlete, a cool guy from the office that’s too hard to approach, a classmate who is always surrounded by girls, or, just somebody whom we deem is just waaay too out of our league. So we resort to our ideas of them, and we try to (as ironic as it may sound) keep our ideas as close to reality as possible by trying to get to know the person through observing him, or worse, stalking him.

Boredom – We also allow this to happen whenever we got nothing better to do. We’re just bored, or are out of the dating game, or have no prospects, or know we aren’t really ready for love yet but just that you’d like to keep the fleeting feeling going.


 

THE PITFALL

Now this is where it gets dangerous.

The more you choose to believe your concept of this person, the deeper you can possibly be emotionally attached to it. And once you do, I’ve listed out the things that could happen.

It will be hard to segregate what’s true from what isn’t

Everything will be mixed up in your head.

What you really experienced, and what you only daydreamed about, what really happened and what your expectations are, what your current status is and what you hoped it would be.

It’s like living a double life where you’re cheating on yourself with the person you rather he become.

Sooner, it will be hard to use your judgment when you have to make decisions which will cause you to either lose yourself, or lose him, in the process.

It will be an endless chase of disappointments

If you ever really come across this person at one point, or if you already do, but keep labeling him as something he is not, and if he does something way different from what you thought he is or should be, what will it leave you to become?

Disappointed.

Every little thing that strays away from your list of pre-conceived ideas of him, you will definitely feel shocked – betrayed even, depending on how deep your notions of him are.

He will also be disappointed of you in return, for having to set unrealistic expectations of him. Isn’t that unfair? You haven’t given him the chance to show who he really is, and on top of that, he has to satisfy your concept of him.

It will be a life full of lies

I hate to say it, but surely, you are in a make-believe world you created. You are currently revolving around your fantasies. Or in other, rather blunt words, you are deceiving yourself.

Imagine, if things move forward between the two of you, how are you going to treat this person? Just as how you formed him in your head?

No, he isn’t and hasn’t thought about proposing to you the way you imagined it to be – yet, and no, you guys aren’t going to have a home in Malibu – yet. And the beach wedding you desire? It might not even happen. Well, yet.

You do not really know the person

Who is he? Do you even know? Will you have a way of knowing? And if you would, what are the chances you will get confused? How can you segregate the fallacy from the reality?

Your relationship with this person – whether as a friend or something else – is already bound to fail due to all the ideas of him you created in your head.

Until you wake up from this delusion first, this wouldn’t get resolved.

Start from a clean slate, get to know the person, and see if you like him – if at all, still.

You are currently just infatuated

You’re probably just super-ultra-mega obsessed with him right now that it makes you think there is no one else in the world for you but him, and that you are indeed in love, and that he fits you perfectly, and that you like everything about him including your idea of his imperfections, and that you guys are meant to be from the very beginning.

Wow! Let’s stop you there for a minute.

While that could be true, the chances of it being false, is somewhat, well, at par.

Truth of the matter is, this might just last for a few months, and you will be over him in no time – that easy.

So take things slow, and re-assess yourself and your feelings.

Are you really in love – with all the idea of perfection you have inside your head, or with the living and breathing (I’d like to say ‘block of cheese’ but…) person right in front of you?

You risk getting hurt

By the end, it all boils down to what your expectations are versus what you get in reality.

As absurd as it may be, you have the most power to hurt yourself, and this other person, in this setting.

Sure, he might be a well-quilted ball of ideas that’s made of husband material tailor-fit for you and your needs in your perspective but girl, are all of them true?

*pouts lips on the side and snaps fingers twice*

 


 

THE REALIZATION

So let’s turn the tables for a quick bit and let me ask you.

Suppose, somebody falls in love with their idea of who you are, where it totally does not resonate and line up to who you really are, how would you feel?

*pulls your hair before you can even answer*

Then wake up!

DEAR DUDE: MYRIAD DUSKS

(A Name Poetry)

My mind paints a scene.
A rather lovely one.
Reveries are its companions;
Lying on top of the hill of Utopia, you’re
Awed with the stars gleaming with life.

Ran you go, danced to and fro and swished!
Over the shadows of sham smiles you hid,
Wishing he’d come back and fetch you soon.
Even the night is as unstable as you.
Neither I – a leaf, rustles unknowingly.
An ambiance of the most uncertain silence.

Psyche? Oh!” “You saw her again or nay?”
Envy? Is that what we feel for her? Oh well!
Runes say she is most loved by Eros.”
Every time our conversation would go this way, I would
Zoom my eyes for the near setting of the sun.

Lament of the unholy! Lament of mine!
A hundred miles had separate!
Solely now, what is yet to come?
Tingling wind chimes as the wind blew,
Reward my frivolous mind with fright.
Over, it is. I can never see you no more.
Lest that we had foreseen it’s the end zone, but it’s…
Late. Too late, yes. And now it’s for
Oblivion to bury us in its depth.

 


Dear Dude,

Honestly, there’s a whole bunch of things for me to say but I’d rather keep it sweet. My head is also pounding at the moment, but I thought, in the years we’ve been together, I never really took the effort to greet you on time.

So, here it is.

I know this is a recycled birthday gift from way back when (January 2006), but I guess I never have really put you in the spotlight that you deserve.

So again, here it is.

If you’ll notice, I have included everything I thought you liked in this little poem. Or at least things that you liked back then.

So yet again, here it is.

Another thing to note is how in this picture, if you zoom in, I wasn’t really looking at the camera. I was looking at the person who has always been there for me since circa ’00.

So finally, here it is.

HAHAHA! Just messin’ with ya! HKNUDXNT!

Happy birthday, Dude! You are loved. Cheers!🥂

 

From,

Fae

FaeFlutterby - Fast Forward

FAST FORWARD

Dear (Future) Fae,

As I type this down, and as you read along, I want you to reminisce this very moment when we were in this white room, sitting in front of our laptop, wearing a striped tank top, everything is peaceful, and it’s 3:27 AM according to the clock.

We just had coffee so we’re mildly palpitating, (We’ve always been a tea person, haven’t we?) and our right leg itches from time to time.

It’s a fine day.

I guess this is the only day I’m giving this blog too much thought. I have been pausing from time to time to lay my hands away from the keyboard to clasp them together while I close my eyes and really think before writing again.

Perhaps it is because I wanted to compose my rather scattered ideas better, because after all, it is you whom I will be sending this to.

It feels new. Normally, our thoughts would be faster than our fingers could type – but today, here I am.

“What is going on then?” I hear your curiosity years ahead of me.

*scratches leg*

We are headed fast towards the end of 2018 and in a few days, a new year will welcome us.

I guess, at this point in time, we are just anxious of what we had become after all those years in the past, and what will be in store for us sooner or later in the future.

*scratches leg*

*clasps hands and closes eyes*

This year, we have commenced a whole lot of things we have always ONLY thought about doing.

A year of execution – as how we often put it.

We have really done a good job this year for having started all those that we have planned – but there is still this hunger and thirst for a better future coming from me.

So you can expect that I will be working hard.

How is it going out there? Has it been any different from how we are now?

*leans back on the chair and sips some water*

I bet you’re still the same, if you’re still there. If we are still there, that is.

Or did we already cease to exist?

You see, I keep getting worried these days that I might not make it to you – the future me.

Which is why, instead of writing about a Korean Skin Care Routine blog, I decided to write to you instead.

I keep feeling like my health is spiralling downwards, or that an accident awaits around the corner. I do hope and pray not.

That’s the reason I strive harder to make the best out of my days.

We have so little time. We have very few chances.

With that in mind, and having a very little circle, I know that a lot of people would not care to ask. So I’d want to take the initiative on their behalf, in case nobody dares to do so.

“Are you happy?”

“How are you in all aspects and in it’s realest sense?”

In all honesty, (And yes, this is a segue!) between my ears, I keep translating everything I am saying into Korean. I’ve been studying Korean hard these days, if you will remember. And it’s just so funny how I am writing in English, but in my head, I am talking in Korean. Weird? You best bet, we are!

In that regard, has our taste in men changed as of yet?

Any fair-skinned, chinky-eyed, somehow-tall, musically-inclined guy has taken your attention? (Just edit this out if someone very opposite is around! Hahaha!)

I wonder if anybody is keeping you inspired over there as of now. Have we been ready at all, or have we foregone the thought of loving and being loved anymore, as agreed upon by ourselves?

Taking my current state into consideration, I know you know I am currently incapable. There are so many things to work on, so many things to improve, so many things to learn, and so many things to take care of.

Have you learnt anything new that might have changed these perspectives?

Mind sharing them?

How are the little ones? I bet they’re grown-ups now. They are okay as of this point, so do not think weird thoughts at all. I know if you could, you would go back to the time you were me again, and they were littler, but rest assured that you did a good job and you did everything in your ability the best way you know how.

I am proud of you.

Okay! Sudden surge of emotions there! Whew!

*casually fans my eyes with my hands as if it’s helping*

I know, I know. We have this inevitable habit of putting ourselves down. But even if it is weird to tell you that I am proud of you, I really am.

There’s so much you have gone through, put up with, and moved on from. Your resiliency is highly remarkable!

Day by day, we keep learning too!

On days that you feel down, I hope you read this back – loud and clear if you must.

“I believe in you. I always have, and I always will.”

I’m very well aware of the fact that you have been subject to great pains because in the future you are meant to be great – all of course in God’s help and will.

So, I badly hope that no matter what, you will keep going.

YOU DO YOU!

Okay?

More importantly, I hope, that at any point you are in your life right now, don’t ever let anything that will cause you to regret one day.

It’s a lesson that took longer for me, and most of us to realize.

We don’t want to be old, feeble, and full of regrets one day. Please, no.

*scratches both arms and forehead*

By now you would have probably diagnosed if we have allergies or whatnot. Hahaha! This itchiness is getting out of hand!

How are the habits coming along? Are they intact?

What’s been keeping you preoccupied these days? Are you still freelancing? Is the blog still ongoing?

I’m dead curious! I hope you spill sooner!

Guess that’s about it from me. I’ll keep it short and sweet.

Do write back to me when you can.

Also, promise me that that you will miss me from time to time, and that you won’t forget about me.

Yeah?

“You are loved.”

From,

(Present)Fae

10 WEEKS HABIT MASTERY CHALLENGE

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”

— Aristotle

 

Hello, fellas!

We recently started the last quarter of the year. And I’m going to be a slave of my phone until the year ends, I’d say.

But not in a negative way. I am going to be using my phone to help me with stringing up habits. Habits that I tried so hard to get used to for this year but kept failing and coming back at one.

This time, I’m going to do a double-down! I’ll try twice as harder than I ever did before.

A total of 72 days. A total of 10 weeks. A total of 10 simple habits.

If I can make it, you can too.

Today is when I re-start as today’s exactly halfway through the year before I celebrate my birthday again.

I want to make a change. And I will end the year with a bang! I promise!

Will you, too? Ay! Come on!

You pick up a habit after 21 days, but I am pushing it further to make sure that these habits stick like a clingy ex-boyfriend who can’t get over me.

So I am taking a thorough challenge for my own improvement to serve as practice for the years to come. For a lifetime!

Please join me! I’d be delighted to find out where it takes us. Let’s go!

THE PROBLEM

I started out the year fully energized and motivated, but as you know, those fluctuate more than a woman’s moods on her menstrual period.

Honestly, I need to be able to pick-up some healthier habits than what I am accustomed to.

Until recently, I still give in to junk foods. I barely get enough sleep. I am wide awake at night – tossing and turning, if not having a midnight snack.

My water intake is not sufficient. My hygiene is close to being non-existent. My skin is not only pale – it is also dry and flaky.

And my health is spiraling downwards faster than I could flush down a ball of hair down the drain.

I feel pain here and there – tension headaches, chest tightness, bone weakness – to name a few.

These are not only bad habits I have to shut and shun away, I need to expel them from my system and replenish them with better ones.

Otherwise?

I’ll die. (I mean, we all would. Just that I’ll probably get ahead of all of you if I continue this way of living. And I can’t die yet, I still want to see myself as a Gorgeous Gardener Grandmother, so, yeah!)

How about you? This is the time for you to take a pause in reading further, and list down your problem areas.

THE FAILURES

I have tried a lot of things in the past – announcing my plans to the social media world – didn’t work. Joining group chats that will serve as my accountability partners – didn’t work. Told my family the diet I am doing – didn’t work. Downloaded tracking and running apps – didn’t work.

I kept doing the same failing strategies.

Or am I? Are the strategies really the issue? Or that there is just really something wrong with me?

I figured out, as eye-opening and pride-downgrading as it can ever be, that the problem is myself.

(It’s not you, Mr. Strategy, it’s me. I’m sorry!)

If I change my mindset and how I do things then maybe, just maybe, I can turn my life, and hopefully yours, around.

So I am giving myself a nudge. A nudge that’s as speedy and as heavy and as big as that rogue Bludger that broke Harry’s arm in Quidditch!

It is devastating to finally realize that at this age, I still haven’t accomplished these simple things I should have mastered long ago.

But in a sense, I did learn one thing new – that there is no one I can hold reliable to accomplish my plans but myself.

And this also goes the same for you. You only have yourself to hold accountable.

Nevertheless, here I am, blabbing out these stuff, in hopes that I can support you in your journey too, should you decide to.

And I highly suggest that you do. Today’s the oldest you have ever been, and the youngest you’ll ever be. Tomorrow’s never guaranteed.

Let’s quit being in this cycle of counter-productivity. No more chasing tails.

Yeah?

*smiles and lends out a hand*

THE PEP-TALK

I want to choose myself over anything or anyone at this point. If I am not properly equipped health-wise, not only tons of other things, but also people, will suffer.

As if I haven’t stressed it enough – I NEED TO CHOOSE MYSELF FIRST.

This will be our mantra moving forward. Say it out loud with me!

I NEED TO CHOOSE MYSELF FIRST!

I NEED TO CHOOSE MYSELF FIRST!

I NEED TO CHOOSE MYSELF FIRST!

(Okay, stop. Stop! That’s enough or we’ll receive complaints from the neighbours.)

Easy peasy lemon squeezy! Right?

For now, we will need to start to fully cleanse this machine A.K.A. our body, to get it revved up and running well.

And to do that, I need you to imagine exactly what, where, how, and who you want to become.

Once you’ve done that, think of the ways you can attain your goal on simple terms, and on a daily basis.

Since our strategy will be to gain small habits and gradually improve them overtime.

THE HABITS

Now it’s time to list down all the habits you’d like to acquire to get to the goal of becoming whatever, wherever, however, or whoever you want to be.

To help you out, here is my own list and the habits I’d like to master, including my reasons why, and how I will do it.

  • Increase Liquid Intake – I suck at this. Big time! I think if there was a course for Dehydration Techniques in College, I would have probably graduated with honors. I wish to change this. I know there will be unimaginable changes that will happen in my life if I can do this.

STEP/S TO TAKE: I just need to make sure I do 15 gulps per drinking session. Normally, my thirst is quenched within 3-4 gulps. It may seem like I will drown if I try 15 at a time – but actually, it is doable. (Thanks for the tip, sis!)

  • Work Out 5x A Week – I have prepared a 5-Day Workout Split that I’d probably share in another blog. I already have the formula, I just need to do them!

STEP/S TO TAKE: Small scale workouts for starters just to increase my activity I’d say. I wouldn’t be too hard on myself if I can’t follow through fully. I’ll consider taking a 5-10 minute walk a work out. Even general cleaning at home. Or dancing.

  • Shower & Hygiene“I’m not a perfect person. There’s many things I wish I didn’t do. But I continue learning.” Hahaha! I’d be a hypocrite if I say I never missed a day of bathing. I do, a lot. I’m human. And I stink! So I am listing this down here for goodness sake and don’t ask more questions about it. Yeah? ~_~

STEP/S TO TAKE: Take a bath. Brush my teeth. Comb my hair. You know? Those things taught in Kindergarten? 😬 Shame on me!

  • Learn A New Language – As I said, I am obsessed with languages and I badly wanted to be multi-lingual. I don’t know. It’s not like I will take on the world one day. I just want to.

STEP/S TO TAKE: It doesn’t have to be something in-depth. 5 minutes will do. Or watching a K-Drama will do.

FaeFlutterby - 10 Weeks Habit Mastery Challenge - Language
The sense of accomplishment is felt more especially when you’re given a golden check mark!

  • Feeding Window Starts At 4PM – I wanted to still continue Intermittent Fasting but instead of One Meal A Day (OMAD) which is kind of too overwhelming, I wanted to give myself more time to consume food.

STEP/S TO TAKE: 4PM – 8 PM. That’s the only time I am allowing myself to eat. It’s not as hard for me anymore as I have practiced Intermittent Fasting in the past doing 16:8, 18:6, 20:4, OMAD or even Extended Fasts. So, I gave myself a little leeway on this.

  • Fasting Window Starts At 8PM – This is to allow myself to be ready for sleep, and for my body to be fasting for a longer period of time. Also so that I quit indulging in midnight snacks which is just so much fun, I don’t know why. But yeah. Gotta help myself. *snigger*

STEP/S TO TAKE: I stop eating at this time at whatever cost. Pronto!

  • Follow The Ketogenic Diet – I wanted to be fat adapted by the end of the year and make sure my body does not rely on Glucose to work, but Fat. Yep! I don’t even need to stay in Ketosis, pretty much, but I am not going to discuss the what’s and how’s of that for now.

STEP/S TO TAKE: Stay away from carbs, and keep it to a minimum.

  • Take Vitamins Every Day – I mean, let’s just get on with it. There are a lot of things my body does not produce naturally.

STEP/S TO TAKE: Drink vitamins.

  • Have A Nightly Skin Care Routine“We are never ever ever getting…” any younger. Did you sing it too? I want to see myself having good skin for once in my life. Or at least better than what I have now? You know? Who doesn’t? I want to be the girl who has night regimes just for the heck of it.

STEP/S TO TAKE: Wash your face. Brush your teeth. Follow the 10-Step Skin Care Routine that you intend to blog another time. Hahaha!

  • Have Sufficient Sleep – This is one of my major troubles. Sleep. For the longest time I never have had any consistent sleeping pattern at all. And it is not good. I sleep roughly about 3-4 hours a day and always interrupted as I always jump up because I couldn’t get into deep sleep. I can feel how much my body is suffering. It’s tired throughout the day and wide awake when everybody else is asleep. I am very nocturnal! But I know I can turn things around. I should teach my body clock before it takes a toll on me if it hasn’t yet. I already experience irritability, mood swings, and pains. I don’t want it to come to a point where it is irreversible. So I want to start now.

STEP/S TO TAKE: Sleep at 10PM. If there are inevitable circumstances, make sure not to go over 12MN.

THE SUPPORT

  • Friends

It will be nice if my friends won’t ask me out at this point in time to eat out and such as I try to develop these habits, unless of course if they are activities meant to help with my goals.

Daring and ambitious, I know. Aggressive and obnoxious, even. But please know that this is a dream and a goal. I know you guys will understand. ❤️

  • Family

I’m actually happy how my family is very supportive of my goals and this challenge as well. They cheer me on, and even remind me if I forget anything or ask me what I should be doing at a certain time. Definitely helps! Thanks loads, you lot!

THE STRATEGY

I have set out strategies you can follow through which I am also using myself. I call them:

The 3 Double ‘S’ Strategy

Start Small

The plan is simple – daily training of simple habits I can surely follow through.

I don’t want to overwhelm myself as it may backfire. I am keeping it as realistic as possible.

You should too! Don’t think about very daring tasks/habits you feel like you can’t take on for a longer period.

Just learn simple ones first, then gradually add more as you move forth.

For example, if your goal is to have a ripped and lean body but your body fat percentage is still high, you do not need to exhaust yourself in the gym for two hours every single day. It might only make you give up right away.

Try to do 15 minutes of light work out first, and see how that goes for you. Or maybe run for 15 – 30 minutes if that’s more feasible.

Consistency is key.

It doesn’t matter if it is small. Once you achieve it, it’s not like it can be taken away anymore.

Small progress is still progress.

Once you get the hang of it, you can start adding more into your routine gradually until you can do pull-ups using your pinky fingers, alone. 😂

Set Schedules

Lay out your day and plot when you intend to do the habits you want to acquire. Do it on the days you set to do it.

I, on the other hand, try to help myself out as much.

“How?” I hear you say.

  • Use An App

I created a new board in this app called Trello where I have laid out all the plans I have in mind on a daily basis – and what should happen hourly within the day.

FaeFlutterby 10 Weeks Habit Mastery Challenge - Habit Mastery Trello Board
The whole 10 weeks will be plotted here. Just testing out the first week to see if there’s any more I need to amend before creating a full-blown list!

I needed it to be that detailed as following these new habits will be intricate and overwhelming, so I wanted to do it on a schedule. Because if I don’t, things will surely get messed up. Imagine being awake around 9:45 PM and realizing I wasn’t able to do my work out for the day. That sucks, right?

FaeFlutterby 10 Weeks Habit Mastery Challenge - Habit Mastery Trello Board To Do
Scheduled the habits to be done at a certain time.

  • Diet & Meal Preparation

While you might think this is an overkill, it actually isn’t. Preparing your meals beforehand allows you to stay on your diet and make sure you don’t go back to the cycle of eating crap again because your food is tracked out early on.

If you can also have a Food Journal where you can log your food, and maybe even track your macros, well and good.

It can also easily set your tone for the whole week.

  • Reminder Alarms

I tend to be forgetful, so until I can master all these habits, I will need help from my trusty phone’s alarms.

FaeFlutterby - 10 Weeks Habit Mastery Challenge - Alarms
Alarms help me tremendously, I swear by them!

  • Turn Off Distractions

While this may not be something new, please know that ALL my notifications in my phone are all off. Apart from my alarms and my work app where I can be reached when needed at work – I am not notified of anything.

I sometimes just check the ‘distraction’ apps on my free time, or when taking a break from work.

I don’t want my life to revolve around nonsensical things, and so I am trying to lean away from them. One good example? Games – virtual stuff that don’t add to my real-life progress. (No offense, gamers! I was once a gamer-girl of MMORPGs too!)

But yeah, turn them off or delete them, unless you have an awesome amount of control and will-power.

Doing this has greatly helped my productivity and focus. If it helps me, it probably would help you too.

  • Habit Calendar

This is also something I hope will get me through. Not only will it serve as a reminder of what I needed to do within the day, it also makes me feel accountable for the tasks listed there, and thus a sense of accomplishment as a reward every time it is ticked. Dopamine helps!

FaeFlutterby 10 Weeks Habit Mastery Challenge - Habit Calendar Photo
Feel free to print it out if you wish!

Start Smashing

“You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.”

— Zig Ziglar

Need I say more? Just start!

If you are ready to take on this challenge with me, just print out this picture above, list down the habits you want in your system, and follow them every damn day.

I am with you all the way!

From,

Fae

Fae Flutterby - Satiate

SATIATE

Tender wings are fleeting softly

Behold, it does miracles and signs

With the sprite of her power, this fairy

Brought you from its arms to mine

 

I was blind then and you were numb

Still I was able to see your warmth

Both in Hades, we were succumbed

Didn’t stop you to sense my worth

 

Savoring the hues of the yellow sunshine

Though I’m frail gray with sorrow

Green with gladness, this tree of pine

Will it be here until tomorrow?

 

Here I am blushing and cold

I feel a pull to get entwined

About to give in but I was told

To hold back until a few full bottles of wine

 

Holiday seems like a new phase

Into our hearts blazing and burning

Lips not weary and sooner a place

Where you can keep me breathing

 

Blending voices singing boldly

Triumphant in rekindling a love

That’s lost for a whole lot of no glory

But united by fairies and the One above

 

A kiss to the paleness given in force

I intended to keep your heart and fly

Then we danced with no remorse

Underneath the dark velvet sky

Fae Flutterby My Fairy Godself

MY FAIRY GODSELF

Grow up, little girl

Come, take my hand

Hold your head up high now

Show them you can fight

 

Dry up your tears, little one

Time to bid Teddy a kiss goodbye

Never cry on wounds on knees again

For you’re subject to greater pain

 

Near here, baby sweetheart

Let’s wash your dirty feet

You are to be a maiden

Now make them believe

 

Come here, wee darling

Don’t purse your lips tight

Stay strong, be brave

For in the future, you’ll be I

HOW TO GET OVER A HEARTBREAK

This is a shit post. Now it is up to you if you’d still want to go further, but don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.

I am contemplating about how I can break it to you gently, and then rudely burst your bubble afterwards. Because there is no easy and step-by-step way as to how.

Hate to say it, but you will feel miserable most days. That’s a given.

“So, how do you get over a heartbreak? Honestly, you can’t…”

Alright, you can stop reading now since you just got the answer you’re looking for.

“Rrrrr. Click bait!” I hear you say.

Nonetheless, there are things you can do to soften the blow. And if you’re still up for it, I’ve written them down below.

#OohRhyme

The Experience

They say there is no other way around, and there is no way out. In the same way people travel for the experience, consider this another journey. Your journey to healing. You have to feel the pain. Only by then can you differentiate agony from comfort, and loneliness from happiness.

The Solitude

Do not be afraid of being alone. Although usually when being alone is when you feel the deepest seethe of pain, let it be. Do not be afraid of yourself. Accept yourself. Accept what you feel. Accept the ache – your ache. Accept your situation. Accept that what you are going through is something that will make you as a person in the future when you look back to it in time. Giving yourself time alone will allow you to get to know yourself better no matter how odd that may sound.

The Chores

Make yourself busy. Keep yourself preoccupied. There are tons of things you can do, just look around. The bedsheets and the curtains – how long has it been since they were last changed? Is your kitchen sink dish-free? Can your toilet and bath use some cleaning? Is your laundry basket already complaining?

The Make-Over

Be the person you want to date – or so they say. Get a haircut. Choose a career. Read books. Go to the gym. Travel. Get a degree. Converse. Pursue your dreams. You just freed yourself from something that might have held you back in a while. Now is the time to do the things you have always wanted to do.

The Diversion

No, you don’t need more tequilas and vodkas. Although you can divert to a whole lot of other things, be careful about the kind of diversion you choose to lay your focus on. There are tons and countless of diversions you can choose to fill in the gap and the absence you’re currently undergoing. Just make sure that it helps make you, and not break you further, as a person.

The List

List down all the reasons as to why the relationship did not work out in the first place. And then list down all the reasons why you are better off not being in that relationship at all. List down all the reasons why you can make it out of this relationship alive, no matter how much it feels otherwise – for now. Carry this list with you and read it back, aloud, if you should, whenever you feel the ‘feeling’. You know what I am talking about for sure.

The Adage

“Out of sight, out of mind.”

Can’t throw away the things that remind you of the person who broke your heart? Keep it somewhere where you can’t see it. The same goes for all the pictures within your relationship. You do not necessarily have to burn them off, erase them, or throw them away – depending on what you feel will help you. Because after all, all those are memories that were undeniably once a part of your life.

The Friends

Where are your friends at this point in time? You can use some support system. Gather them all out!

The Routine

Get yourself on a routine, even on the weekends. If you must, jot down all the things you must do within the day from when you wake up to when you get back to sleep. This will not only help you get into a routine, it will also help you accomplish little victories which are very rewarding and are highly beneficial for anyone’s well-being.

Now if I may just continue what I was saying earlier before you rolled your eyes on me…

“So, how do you get over a heartbreak? Honestly, you can’t. In a nutshell, you do not get OVER a heartbreak. You get THROUGH it.”

Okay?

Now, do me a favor and remind me to re-read this whole article when my judgment is cloudy, and the days are a bit draggy.

We’re in this together.

Yeah?

Thanks!

 

From,

Fae