Fae Flutterby Shut Down


Hello fellas!

I remember telling you all in one blog that I am going to be out of reach no more.

Along with that came opening my doors in every nooks and crannies available – Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Kakao Talk, Line – name it. I probably have it.

And guess what?

It destroyed me.

Perhaps it is because I still have yet to grasp and learn to take control of everything that came rushing in as soon as I opened my doors.

Little did I know that the little world I slowly built can easily be crumbled down if you let the wrong people in.

It can take a toll on you.

Sometimes, even if your only ulterior motive is to just be in a place of wanting to help, it can also suck up all the positivity in you.

And I am not saying everybody was.

I am probably just not as used to all the attention I am getting that it burnt me out.

I’d rather be in my little world again, really. It’s easier that way.

Also, it’s been harder to focus on the things I badly wanted to achieve. There wasn’t much improvement in any of my plans yet – and I am very disappointed with myself about that.

So I’d like to reflect on all the aspects of my life commencing today. I’d like to keep myself away from the world as much as I can – yet again.

I’d like to be in peace – focus more on the things and the people who matter, with myself being the top priority.

I deleted all my social media apps on my phone. They’re still there – afloat. I can still receive any of your messages, just that I wouldn’t be able to see them right away.

I’d probably check them from time to time though, but very rarely at that. So do let me know if you’d like to still keep connected in any way.

And we’ll see from there.

But for now – out of sight, out of mind.

If there’s ever anything urgent you need to contact me about – my mobile number will be your best bet.

And I do not have any plans of coming back until I have made some changes.

I won’t keep this long. I am overly stressed. My chest is tight. I couldn’t breathe. My head is heavy.

Until then!





Fae Flutterby What's Goodbye


Goodbye could be divorce,

Or the day of graduation.

It could be letting go of one’s arm,

Or to be six feet below the ground.


Goodbye could be dismissal time,

Or the closing of curtains.

It could be an echo,

Or a long and longing kiss.


Goodbye could be a burning house,

Or to come and not mean to stay.

It could be the fallen leaves,

Or the climax of a story.


Goodbye could be a fake smile,

Or the recalling of a tune.

It could be a tintless pen,

Or the never-ending wave of the hand.


Goodbye could be an abortion,

Or hearing I’m not whom you loved most.

It could be the last glimpse,

Or going home after reunion.


Goodbye could be the last slice of pizza,

Or to live lifeless.

It could be photographs and memories,

Or to be fed up.


Goodbye could be “Thank you!”,

Or the end of the late night show.

It could be the setting of the sun,

Or to hope for another start.


Goodbye could be the finale,

Or the tears shed.

It could be reaching adulthood,

Or saying “I’m sorry.”.


Goodbye could be an erasure,

Or my childhood best friend.

It could be the ringing of bells,

Or going to the next level.


But no matter what goodbye is,

Whatever it may mean,

I believe in only one thing:

Goodbye was when I left.

Fae Flutterby Expressions



I sing songs about the birds

The birds that fly across the sky

And chirp happy tunes and melodies

With my delighted heart


I sing songs about the sea

The sea that waves wild and bold

And shots hatred and anger

Upon my intrepid ear


I sing songs about the air

The air that whispers among thee

And shows itself not, but barely felt

Beneath my sorrowful soul


I sing songs about the tree

The tree that for long has stayed

And grew stronger and bigger

Under my numbness, it enfolds


I sing songs about the rain

The rain that had gone by

And I know one day or the other

In my grasp it’ll come back

Fae Flutterby An Eye Opener


(Originally Written On May 2011)

I am having a bad day at work today. I am not feeling well. This headache makes everything swirl right in front of me. I need to go home. I’m being sent home. But I chose not to.

A typical day it is. Logging in, letting the dialer system take and make calls, making sure to get a hold of people to collect from their debts, if not performing a skip trace.

As you may all not know yet, I work for one of the widely known banks based in the U.S., as a Credits and Collections Analyst.

And I admit – it really is hard when you’re already dizzy and your eyes still need to dig in to digits that don’t even matter to you, but does matter a lot to other people’s lives.

So I had my first call. A cardholder whom I intend to call Michelle. I asked Michelle why she would not be able to make a payment of $55.26 – an amount which is pretty small for an average American. She told me it was her current unemployment situation, or her temporary disability, if not her funeral soon. I was honestly astonished until she decided to tell me her story, which I listened to intently.

Michelle had massive blood clotting, January of this year. No, she didn’t get into any car accidents. Neither did she bump hardly into anything. It was genetically acquired. She describes it as a blood clot that rises from her foot, to her groin, up to her heart. According to her, if she moves around, or simply works at her desk, there is a big probability she will pass out.

The reason for such, is that the doctors created a filter within, so as to decrease the amount of blood clotting happening inside her, especially near her heart. Which is also the reason why when she gets up, the blood that was supposed to get back to her heart to be pumped out to her whole body is being gradually blocked.

She has 2 kids. One was 9, the other was 10. “They were amazing and they’re unbelievably behave. They would take care of me, and do all the household chores. As you know, it was just them and me. I am a single mother, you know.” she even added.

I was listening my way through when I remembered I still had to take control of the call so I managed to ask: “So Michelle, if you don’t mind me asking, how are you getting by?

She is 34. Spent $64,000 for her Master’s Degree. Was really healthy. Was in the climax of her career. Was employed by one of the top 500 companies in the United States. Was.

She is now bedridden, is now applying for an insurance for her permanent disability (which we both hope gets approved), and she is also about to lose her car soon.

In fact, they were only given support by the kids’ schools through groceries, to help them in the least possible way.

So let me rephrase my first sentence above.

I was having a bad day at work today – without even realizing there are people who can’t even get up and make a living for their loved ones as much as they want to. I am not feeling well – but other people are in worse conditions than myself right this very moment. This headache makes everything swirl right in front of me. I need to go home. I’m being sent home. But I chose not to. And it is one of the best although small decisions I have ever made.

I am blessed more than I can ever imagine. So I better get this job done, create results, and complain less.

Lessons learned.



In my quest to try and live a life of legacy where I wouldn’t want to be easily forgotten, I tried one thing that I have always been afraid of – reaching out to people.

These days, I like my presence to be known. I’d like to leave footprints in people’s hearts as much as I could as proof that once, I existed. And that for once, I lived.

I don’t know what has gotten into me, but turning 30 recently made me feel as though I am already halfway through life.

It made me become more in tune with my thoughts, my feelings, and with the present happenings around me.


I usually wait for the right time – I’m a procrastinator. I don’t know if it’s stemming from my own self-doubts or that I really believe things could still get better.

I always thought my skin could get better, I always thought I could always lose some more weight, I always thought I could dress better, and I always thought my life would probably be a whole much more meaningful if I just work a little harder.

But I realized so much time has passed by waiting for the right moment – to be happy, to be content, to live life.


So I decided I’d like to be present in the moment.

Recently I attended a highschool classmate’s wedding – something I would never do out of the blue, or just because. But I did anyway. Because that one time will never happen again.

I also show up in family reunions as much as I could after all these years of missing in action. I spend more time laughing with my cousins, appreciating their quirks, re-living the yesteryears, helping out my relatives in ways I know how, and just try to be around, really.

I try to play with the little ones at home if I could – because they wouldn’t always be little, and I know I will miss it when they aren’t anymore.

I hug and kiss my parents more, and purposely annoy them at times too. I figured I want to be more showy with my feelings, be someone they can vent to and lean on, and recently, I at least think I tend to be more sensitive to their feelings too.

And these do not happen only if I get the time – I now make the time.


We only have one life, and here I am trying to document these little things, because I don’t want to forget any of them. I feel like I have developed this fear of missing out – but in a good way.

I can’t be wasting all these preciousness because it is rare.

Imagine, I could have been born 80 years ago, and all these people in my life could have just been born. We could have probably not met – but we all did at a certain point in this life.

In this timeline, we were all given a chance to meet. Of all people I could’ve met, here you all are. We were gathered in one place. And I think I should make that rare chance count.


I recently celebrated my birthday – and hadn’t it been for Facebook reminding everyone it is indeed my birthday that day, or allowing people to post on my feed for the first time, not much people would have probably remembered it is my birthday.

And this thought occured to me many times that day. “Have I not touched enough people’s lives that no one tends to remember me even on my special day?”

It hit me. And it hit me hard at that.

Of all the people I came across with – batchmates, colleagues, people from a religion I do not practice anymore, schoolmates, acquaintances, guildees, TV industry – not much remembered.


Which brings me down to this new quest – one where I touch more people’s lives. How I do that, I barely even know. But I can always try one good deed at a time.

These days, I breathe air like I would never have a chance again. I spend my days like I wouldn’t have another. I now choose my battles, and I seize the day and weigh out what matters.


So I am reaching out to you – whoever you are.

Whether you were part of my past or will be part of my future…

*extends hand*


Just take my hand.






You might be thinking “Don’t we all?”

Yes, we probably all have at one point or another.

But this is different. And if you allow me to let you understand my standpoint as to why I had to get this post out, it might just open your eyes.

Shall I tell you my story?



“I have never been in love.”

This is probably one of the toughest claims I ever had to make.

In fact, I only recently realized this after not having been in a relationship for long.

It has finally occurred to me how a pause is utterly important.

Sometimes, we need to find time away from things to regain its meaning again, just like life, love, and all the aspects in between.

And this isn’t something I came up with just out of the blue.

It took so much thought, so much experience, so much comparison, and so much reasoning, before I became stern with my conclusion.

Finally, I guess it’s safe to say that I was able to distinguish what love is from what it is not, although it’s not in any way my intention to define what it is, today – just a heads up!



“My ideas were quite wrong.”

For some reason, I always get attracted to broken people. To me then, love was when you feel this innate desire to fill in people’s brokenness.

That’s where my idea revolved around when it comes to love.

And I guess my idea is kind of twisted.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I give out compliments.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I make sure that they feel confident about themselves.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I worry about them purposely. (And sometimes, forcefully too!)

I thought back then that it was love whenever I show them affection.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I let them have my full attention.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I ensure they feel secured, wanted, and missed.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I have them do things their way.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I allow everything they wanted to.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I provide them more room for my own self-sacrifice.

I was wrong.

The things I thought back then weren’t the only things that define you indeed fell in love with a person.

Boy, did I have to learn the hard way that everything I thought about love, wasn’t love at all.

I swear it was quite a feat!



“I probably just needed some company.”

It was always only as if I have to force myself to this person I do not truly want – but was available.

Now that I think about it, I must have never fallen head over heels over anybody, I would say. It was always more of an obsession I created, or an addiction that was hard to quit.

Sometimes, I just try the best that I ever could to accept them until my own system regurgitates them off of me.

Until I find that everything they say, do, or even breathe, are all annoying.

More like, I only prioritise them at one point in my life, until it sucks.

#NAMSAYN #YouKnowWhatIAmSaying

I even have a record of being the one to always leave in a relationship.

Am I bad? You can say so.

And I won’t blame you.

Perhaps it has also been too easy to lay down the words “I love you.” as opposed to really doing them.

If I were to word it in my own terms, it is probably more of that I dedicated myself to a person for a certain period of time, instead.

Although on a side note, I’d seriously compliment myself in that regard, as I really liked the way I dedicated my life to the ones whom I thought I loved.

Because it turned out, that I fought for them in all ways I could, I gave them everything until I bleed out dry, and because I cared for them the best way I know how – while it lasted.

No regrets, indeed!



“I’ve never given my 100%, even for once.”

I guess it was all because of the reason that I wasn’t available in most, if not all aspects – physically, emotionally, financially, and et cetera.

I could have dedicated my life to these people – but in reality, at the back of my head, I have other plans.

In fact, up until this point, being in love with another individual is not a priority for me. Not at all.

To a point where if I a guy that I like will try to make a move, they will only get turned down non-chalantly.

Not only that, my standards have been set so unrealistically high these days as I realize and learn a ton of things.

Besides, I have too many things to work on, too many things to improve, too many responsibilites, too many obligations, and too many dreams to reach.



“But today, I fell in love.”

Yes, I did.

And I am proud to finally say so.

Here’s our story…

I met this person today, and boy, did I like everything I saw.

Skin is rather dry. Face is rather swollen. Hair is rather disheveled all over.

But what struck me the most is the peace you can see in those eyes longingly looking at me.

I smiled.

“Ah, so this is you.” I muttered.

I tried to take a picture of this person through my phone’s camera with no filters and all – something I myself have always dreaded doing.

But upon seeing the photo, I felt pity altogether.

I frowned.

And the words that came out of my mouth were: “Stop looking for your other half. You, yourself are whole.”

It was stern. My words were.

This person is here, fighting for existence, finding a place here on Earth, and here I am, already judging too easily just like that.

Am I not?

Perhaps. Perhaps not.

Honestly, I have finally come to my senses and realized just how much potential I have – which is one major difference from then and now. Not fully, but enough to know. 

I now know that I can give so much more.

I now know that I am worth so much more.

I now also know that love is something so much more.

I am slowly learning to value myself better these days, even.

Which is exactly why I am being like this towards this person.

This person in the mirror looking back at me, whom I have completely chosen to fully fall in love with.





My life is a whole blur at the moment.

Heck, I don’t even know how I am going to get this blog post started. I just wanted to get it out. I needed to get it out. Because it’s suffocating – suffocating and empty all at once.

People have absolutely no idea that at my current state, I am losing grip on life. They all think I have my life all figured out.

But in reality, I don’t know what I’ve been doing, or where I am going, or what I am aiming at. I am too lost, and I couldn’t breathe, and I don’t know which step to take next.

I literally had to sit back on a chair and I didn’t even know where to look. I looked at myself and I looked around me – everything is a mess, and all I know is that this isn’t where I wanted to be.

What sucks more, is that, I think I have the ability to see the emptiness in people’s eyes, but nobody seems to hear the whimpers behind mine.

I think it’s a curse – but I can see people’s brokenness from afar.

And I tend to gravitate towards them like it was my life purpose – that I feel like I have the ability to make people complete in my littlest of ways.

I have always tried my best to reach out to people in hopes to be able to fill in their cracks and their gaps.

But can anybody even see the spaces in mine? The many puzzle pieces I’ve lost along the way? The little portions of myself I tend to give out even if I know I will be left with very little to none?

If you read this and know that you can talk some sense into me – this is your chance, and now is the right time.

Don’t even ask me what’s wrong, I do not know what is – in fact, everything could be.

I need you. Please reach out.



To give you a better insight of how the concept of falling in love with an idea is, I’d like to take you through a quick journey.

I picked out a random guy I do not personally know. I haven’t seen him, nor have been with him at all.

These are all just going to be pre-conceived notions of who he is, or who he could be based on what I observe about him on Social Media.

Try to internalize with me as you read along. I will have questions afterwards.

Are you ready? Let’s start!

He was five people.

Every one of him was different. Or at least my idea of him is.

The guy with the sharp eyes

The guy with the sharp eyes scares me most of the time. He is someone I do not understand. He smiles rather sarcastically, where his lips curl on one side of his face while letting out somewhat a smirk and a sigh altogether. He says and does things the opposite of what I would prefer. He is someone who makes me feel small and insignificant. He’s a snob. And I would never have a clue what runs in his mind. You can see him in gold or silver chains, earrings, ash gray hair, rings in most of his fingers, raps like a maniac, and has so much swag. I wouldn’t dare approach him, honestly. Oh, and he smokes too, and a lot at that.

The guy with the warm smile

The guy with the warm smile is tender, sweet, and soft-spoken. He is a little naive and stubborn, but he is responsive to my requests. His eyes are always smiling and shining – you can easily tell. His hair is always worn down with his bangs lowly hanging right before his eyes. I must say he is also a very loving son. He can be seen with a pair of fully clear spectacles at times, if not with his Dachshund, or his Corgi, or his Bichon Frise. His hair is jet-black. He speaks with a lisp. He is simple, and very thoughtful. And if anything more, he makes me feel like I matter.

The silly guy

The silly guy is the life of the party. He is always seen with company who are almost always laughing at his quirks – whether he is dancing ridiculously, singing hilariously, or acting dumb. His friends would capture his loud snores and he is proud of them. He is always with his circle, so it can be hard to get a hold of him. He can do all sorts of funny things – from a really distorted face, to playing hula hoops with his hands raised in the air, to shouting at the top of his lungs without giving a damn, to being really sensitive tickle-wise, to holding a pan readily aimed at you, or to throwing you some rocks if he feels like doing so. He loves to talk non-sense and finds pleasure in making those around him entertained.

The child

The child is really adorable. He is easily pleased, and is easily happy about simple things. He rarely shows this side of his. But it was significant enough that I was able to notice him. You would want to take care of him. He has a tendency to lose things, or be easily fooled. He takes pleasure in food, in new shoes, in coffee, and in Barney stuffed toys. He likes to travel, and appreciates nature, but hasn’t really travelled by himself as he can be quite scared. He can also take really good pictures. And I can easily assume he has an eye for art – abstract, at that. He also has several desires fashion-wise, but that he acts cute if he knows he can’t afford it.

The musician

The musician is very strict. He is very serious about the job that he does, and the music that he makes. But you can see him spring to life and have fun when he is on stage. You can easily depict a tinge of nervousness in him, but the charisma is there. After all, the show must go on, shouldn’t it? If there is any distinguishing factor about this guy, is that he has the most beautiful laugh I’ve ever heard. His laugh alone is already music to my ears. If given the chance, I would like to hear him laugh for the rest of my life. He is fire. He has the desire to push himself to the limits to reach his dreams, and won’t let anything stop it. He worries about it at times, even, of how he will be in a few years, while all his friends are getting succesful. He doesn’t mind women, and extends his support instead to his fellow musicians in the industry.



How did you feel?

Do you feel like you already ‘kind of’ know this person?

Do you already have a mental image of how he might look like?

How about with how he talks, or how his voice sounds like?

Do you now have a hunch of how he might react depending on a certain situation?

If you do, that’s exactly how you get an idea of a person. Idea – but not necessarily the truth.

Everything I said above are just samples of having an idea of somebody.

At a glance, you would even probably think that I am talking about a person who suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder, but I am not.

They were all just based on how I find him to be.

And this person can surely be an entirely different individual than how I described him above, and my perceptions may all be wrong.




Falling in love with an idea of somebody is a whole new different level though – we all have ideas of people around us anyway, don’t we?

Sometimes, even of ourselves. We tend to think we are this kind of person, only to find out later that we have been trying to pursue a certain image we are exactly not. But I will talk about all these in another blog.

The point is, we always have ideas – whether of ourselves or others.

But if you fall in love with an idea of somebody, that only means to say you have already made the decision to choose to believe on your ideas of that person – hence, giving up on the truth.

And it’s a pity if we give it more thought, as there are reasons why we do this.

Denial – We choose to create a mental image of the ‘perfect’ person ‘perfectly’ suited for us and only does ‘perfect’ things in the ‘perfect’ moments like he sprung out from a movie or a fairytale. And since this real person is close to what you had in mind, or at least workable in that regard, then you choose to go for him, put him in a pedestal, and it all starts there. You deny him of his flaws, of his imperfections, and of whom he might not be, because it is convenient. Because he is convenient. Because he will do. And because he is available.

Resources – Sometimes, we also fall in love with an idea of what a person is, because we have little to no resources of getting to know that person. He might be a celebrity, a politician, an athlete, a cool guy from the office that’s too hard to approach, a classmate who is always surrounded by girls, or, just somebody whom we deem is just waaay too out of our league. So we resort to our ideas of them, and we try to (as ironic as it may sound) keep our ideas as close to reality as possible by trying to get to know the person through observing him, or worse, stalking him.

Boredom – We also allow this to happen whenever we got nothing better to do. We’re just bored, or are out of the dating game, or have no prospects, or know we aren’t really ready for love yet but just that you’d like to keep the fleeting feeling going.



Now this is where it gets dangerous.

The more you choose to believe your concept of this person, the deeper you can possibly be emotionally attached to it. And once you do, I’ve listed out the things that could happen.

It will be hard to segregate what’s true from what isn’t

Everything will be mixed up in your head.

What you really experienced, and what you only daydreamed about, what really happened and what your expectations are, what your current status is and what you hoped it would be.

It’s like living a double life where you’re cheating on yourself with the person you rather he become.

Sooner, it will be hard to use your judgment when you have to make decisions which will cause you to either lose yourself, or lose him, in the process.

It will be an endless chase of disappointments

If you ever really come across this person at one point, or if you already do, but keep labeling him as something he is not, and if he does something way different from what you thought he is or should be, what will it leave you to become?


Every little thing that strays away from your list of pre-conceived ideas of him, you will definitely feel shocked – betrayed even, depending on how deep your notions of him are.

He will also be disappointed of you in return, for having to set unrealistic expectations of him. Isn’t that unfair? You haven’t given him the chance to show who he really is, and on top of that, he has to satisfy your concept of him.

It will be a life full of lies

I hate to say it, but surely, you are in a make-believe world you created. You are currently revolving around your fantasies. Or in other, rather blunt words, you are deceiving yourself.

Imagine, if things move forward between the two of you, how are you going to treat this person? Just as how you formed him in your head?

No, he isn’t and hasn’t thought about proposing to you the way you imagined it to be – yet, and no, you guys aren’t going to have a home in Malibu – yet. And the beach wedding you desire? It might not even happen. Well, yet.

You do not really know the person

Who is he? Do you even know? Will you have a way of knowing? And if you would, what are the chances you will get confused? How can you segregate the fallacy from the reality?

Your relationship with this person – whether as a friend or something else – is already bound to fail due to all the ideas of him you created in your head.

Until you wake up from this delusion first, this wouldn’t get resolved.

Start from a clean slate, get to know the person, and see if you like him – if at all, still.

You are currently just infatuated

You’re probably just super-ultra-mega obsessed with him right now that it makes you think there is no one else in the world for you but him, and that you are indeed in love, and that he fits you perfectly, and that you like everything about him including your idea of his imperfections, and that you guys are meant to be from the very beginning.

Wow! Let’s stop you there for a minute.

While that could be true, the chances of it being false, is somewhat, well, at par.

Truth of the matter is, this might just last for a few months, and you will be over him in no time – that easy.

So take things slow, and re-assess yourself and your feelings.

Are you really in love – with all the idea of perfection you have inside your head, or with the living and breathing (I’d like to say ‘block of cheese’ but…) person right in front of you?

You risk getting hurt

By the end, it all boils down to what your expectations are versus what you get in reality.

As absurd as it may be, you have the most power to hurt yourself, and this other person, in this setting.

Sure, he might be a well-quilted ball of ideas that’s made of husband material tailor-fit for you and your needs in your perspective but girl, are all of them true?

*pouts lips on the side and snaps fingers twice*




So let’s turn the tables for a quick bit and let me ask you.

Suppose, somebody falls in love with their idea of who you are, where it totally does not resonate and line up to who you really are, how would you feel?

*pulls your hair before you can even answer*

Then wake up!


(A Name Poetry)

My mind paints a scene.
A rather lovely one.
Reveries are its companions;
Lying on top of the hill of Utopia, you’re
Awed with the stars gleaming with life.

Ran you go, danced to and fro and swished!
Over the shadows of sham smiles you hid,
Wishing he’d come back and fetch you soon.
Even the night is as unstable as you.
Neither I – a leaf, rustles unknowingly.
An ambiance of the most uncertain silence.

Psyche? Oh!” “You saw her again or nay?”
Envy? Is that what we feel for her? Oh well!
Runes say she is most loved by Eros.”
Every time our conversation would go this way, I would
Zoom my eyes for the near setting of the sun.

Lament of the unholy! Lament of mine!
A hundred miles had separate!
Solely now, what is yet to come?
Tingling wind chimes as the wind blew,
Reward my frivolous mind with fright.
Over, it is. I can never see you no more.
Lest that we had foreseen it’s the end zone, but it’s…
Late. Too late, yes. And now it’s for
Oblivion to bury us in its depth.


Dear Dude,

Honestly, there’s a whole bunch of things for me to say but I’d rather keep it sweet. My head is also pounding at the moment, but I thought, in the years we’ve been together, I never really took the effort to greet you on time.

So, here it is.

I know this is a recycled birthday gift from way back when (January 2006), but I guess I never have really put you in the spotlight that you deserve.

So again, here it is.

If you’ll notice, I have included everything I thought you liked in this little poem. Or at least things that you liked back then.

So yet again, here it is.

Another thing to note is how in this picture, if you zoom in, I wasn’t really looking at the camera. I was looking at the person who has always been there for me since circa ’00.

So finally, here it is.

HAHAHA! Just messin’ with ya! HKNUDXNT!

Happy birthday, Dude! You are loved. Cheers!🥂




FaeFlutterby - Fast Forward


Dear (Future) Fae,

As I type this down, and as you read along, I want you to reminisce this very moment when we were in this white room, sitting in front of our laptop, wearing a striped tank top, everything is peaceful, and it’s 3:27 AM according to the clock.

We just had coffee so we’re mildly palpitating, (We’ve always been a tea person, haven’t we?) and our right leg itches from time to time.

It’s a fine day.

I guess this is the only day I’m giving this blog too much thought. I have been pausing from time to time to lay my hands away from the keyboard to clasp them together while I close my eyes and really think before writing again.

Perhaps it is because I wanted to compose my rather scattered ideas better, because after all, it is you whom I will be sending this to.

It feels new. Normally, our thoughts would be faster than our fingers could type – but today, here I am.

“What is going on then?” I hear your curiosity years ahead of me.

*scratches leg*

We are headed fast towards the end of 2018 and in a few days, a new year will welcome us.

I guess, at this point in time, we are just anxious of what we had become after all those years in the past, and what will be in store for us sooner or later in the future.

*scratches leg*

*clasps hands and closes eyes*

This year, we have commenced a whole lot of things we have always ONLY thought about doing.

A year of execution – as how we often put it.

We have really done a good job this year for having started all those that we have planned – but there is still this hunger and thirst for a better future coming from me.

So you can expect that I will be working hard.

How is it going out there? Has it been any different from how we are now?

*leans back on the chair and sips some water*

I bet you’re still the same, if you’re still there. If we are still there, that is.

Or did we already cease to exist?

You see, I keep getting worried these days that I might not make it to you – the future me.

Which is why, instead of writing about a Korean Skin Care Routine blog, I decided to write to you instead.

I keep feeling like my health is spiralling downwards, or that an accident awaits around the corner. I do hope and pray not.

That’s the reason I strive harder to make the best out of my days.

We have so little time. We have very few chances.

With that in mind, and having a very little circle, I know that a lot of people would not care to ask. So I’d want to take the initiative on their behalf, in case nobody dares to do so.

“Are you happy?”

“How are you in all aspects and in it’s realest sense?”

In all honesty, (And yes, this is a segue!) between my ears, I keep translating everything I am saying into Korean. I’ve been studying Korean hard these days, if you will remember. And it’s just so funny how I am writing in English, but in my head, I am talking in Korean. Weird? You best bet, we are!

In that regard, has our taste in men changed as of yet?

Any fair-skinned, chinky-eyed, somehow-tall, musically-inclined guy has taken your attention? (Just edit this out if someone very opposite is around! Hahaha!)

I wonder if anybody is keeping you inspired over there as of now. Have we been ready at all, or have we foregone the thought of loving and being loved anymore, as agreed upon by ourselves?

Taking my current state into consideration, I know you know I am currently incapable. There are so many things to work on, so many things to improve, so many things to learn, and so many things to take care of.

Have you learnt anything new that might have changed these perspectives?

Mind sharing them?

How are the little ones? I bet they’re grown-ups now. They are okay as of this point, so do not think weird thoughts at all. I know if you could, you would go back to the time you were me again, and they were littler, but rest assured that you did a good job and you did everything in your ability the best way you know how.

I am proud of you.

Okay! Sudden surge of emotions there! Whew!

*casually fans my eyes with my hands as if it’s helping*

I know, I know. We have this inevitable habit of putting ourselves down. But even if it is weird to tell you that I am proud of you, I really am.

There’s so much you have gone through, put up with, and moved on from. Your resiliency is highly remarkable!

Day by day, we keep learning too!

On days that you feel down, I hope you read this back – loud and clear if you must.

“I believe in you. I always have, and I always will.”

I’m very well aware of the fact that you have been subject to great pains because in the future you are meant to be great – all of course in God’s help and will.

So, I badly hope that no matter what, you will keep going.



More importantly, I hope, that at any point you are in your life right now, don’t ever let anything that will cause you to regret one day.

It’s a lesson that took longer for me, and most of us to realize.

We don’t want to be old, feeble, and full of regrets one day. Please, no.

*scratches both arms and forehead*

By now you would have probably diagnosed if we have allergies or whatnot. Hahaha! This itchiness is getting out of hand!

How are the habits coming along? Are they intact?

What’s been keeping you preoccupied these days? Are you still freelancing? Is the blog still ongoing?

I’m dead curious! I hope you spill sooner!

Guess that’s about it from me. I’ll keep it short and sweet.

Do write back to me when you can.

Also, promise me that that you will miss me from time to time, and that you won’t forget about me.


“You are loved.”




(Present) Fae