OUT OF REACH NO MORE

THE TREE

In my quest to try and live a life of legacy where I wouldn’t want to be easily forgotten, I tried one thing that I have always been afraid of – reaching out to people.

These days, I like my presence to be known. I’d like to leave footprints in people’s hearts as much as I could as proof that once, I existed. And that for once, I lived.

I don’t know what has gotten into me, but turning 30 recently made me feel as though I am already halfway through life.

It made me become more in tune with my thoughts, my feelings, and with the present happenings around me.

THE BARK

I usually wait for the right time – I’m a procrastinator. I don’t know if it’s stemming from my own self-doubts or that I really believe things could still get better.

I always thought my skin could get better, I always thought I could always lose some more weight, I always thought I could dress better, and I always thought my life would probably be a whole much more meaningful if I just work a little harder.

But I realized so much time has passed by waiting for the right moment – to be happy, to be content, to live life.

THE BRANCH

So I decided I’d like to be present in the moment.

Recently I attended a highschool classmate’s wedding – something I would never do out of the blue, or just because. But I did anyway. Because that one time will never happen again.

I also show up in family reunions as much as I could after all these years of missing in action. I spend more time laughing with my cousins, appreciating their quirks, re-living the yesteryears, helping out my relatives in ways I know how, and just try to be around, really.

I try to play with the little ones at home if I could – because they wouldn’t always be little, and I know I will miss it when they aren’t anymore.

I hug and kiss my parents more, and purposely annoy them at times too. I figured I want to be more showy with my feelings, be someone they can vent to and lean on, and recently, I at least think I tend to be more sensitive to their feelings too.

And these do not happen only if I get the time – I now make the time.

THE ROOT

We only have one life, and here I am trying to document these little things, because I don’t want to forget any of them. I feel like I have developed this fear of missing out – but in a good way.

I can’t be wasting all these preciousness because it is rare.

Imagine, I could have been born 80 years ago, and all these people in my life could have just been born. We could have probably not met – but we all did at a certain point in this life.

In this timeline, we were all given a chance to meet. Of all people I could’ve met, here you all are. We were gathered in one place. And I think I should make that rare chance count.

THE SPROUT

I recently celebrated my birthday – and hadn’t it been for Facebook reminding everyone it is indeed my birthday that day, or allowing people to post on my feed for the first time, not much people would have probably remembered it is my birthday.

And this thought occured to me many times that day. “Have I not touched enough people’s lives that no one tends to remember me even on my special day?”

It hit me. And it hit me hard at that.

Of all the people I came across with – batchmates, colleagues, people from a religion I do not practice anymore, schoolmates, acquaintances, guildees, TV industry – not much remembered.

THE FLOWER

Which brings me down to this new quest – one where I touch more people’s lives. How I do that, I barely even know. But I can always try one good deed at a time.

These days, I breathe air like I would never have a chance again. I spend my days like I wouldn’t have another. I now choose my battles, and I seize the day and weigh out what matters.

THE FRUIT

So I am reaching out to you – whoever you are.

Whether you were part of my past or will be part of my future…

*extends hand*

“Hello.”

Just take my hand.

 

 

 

 

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BIRTHDAY BLOG: LIVING A LIFE OF LEGACY

“Icho buhday, we gon’ pahteh layk, icho buhday!”

You feelin’ it?

*swerves head following the groove*

Eh?

No, that’s not Swahili.

Sing it with me!

“Icho buhday, we gon’ pahteh layk, icho buhday!”

I hope you are all enjoying this day, as much as I am.

The electric company decided to throw my very first surprise for the day, and boy, am I bedazzled!

Have any guesses?

Well, an 8-hour power outage! How bow dah? So uplifting! *sulky face*

Nevertheless, that does not take away my optimism for the day!

I have nothing grand planned. In fact, I do not really pay special attention to my birthday because I grew up that way.

Usually, I am content if my family remembers and greets me in an entirely cringe-worthy manner possible. “Happy birthday!”

But don’t get them wrong. My family, as wacky as they may be, aren’t a showy bunch. We all aren’t expressive, if I may generalize.

I remember one time, they greeted me on a plain white paper. Written in red marking pen were the words “Happy Birthday!”, and it was hanging on our peach colored curtain by itself in our receiving area, which is a good angle to be in, as I saw it as soon as I woke up and got out of my room. I have a feeling I just turned 7 then. Or 6… Or 8. Anyhow, I wish I kept that piece of paper. It was special.

There was also one time when I received a rectangular box from them, it was red and white. In front, a pink paper was glued. It was a letter from all of them – my family. Inside, there was a brand new mobile phone. If I am not mistaken, I was around 16 that time.

Apart from those, I only see the pictures in our album. That of my first birthday party that I can barely remember, where neighbors all around IV-B celebrated with us.

I’m still thankful. This is why I am also appreciative of the very few who remember.

Like when I turned 18, some friends who seemed like family back then, sang “Happy birthday!” to me,  where my supposed cake were instead packs of cooked Lucky Me! Pancit Canton, surrounded by Nissin Wafers, (Hey, I am open to advertising gigs!) and had a candle in the middle the size of what you use on All Soul’s Day.

I swear, I cried. Oh, and not because of the gigantic candle, I promise!

But today, I wanted to celebrate my birthday, for a change.

How?

In the most unusual way possible.

I have given it so much thought when I decided I’d give myself a gift of myself.

“W-w-wait. What?”

Oops, I caught you! I saw you did a double take.

A gift of myself to myself.

Let me explain.

I’ve been working on this gift for quite some time now. A gift I know I cannot instantly give myself.

Something that won’t happen in a snap of a finger, or a blink of an eye, or the content of my wallet all surrendered to the cashier. Something that would take too much time, effort, discipline, and perseverance. Oh, and patience!

A gift of myself to myself – a happier & healthier version, simply put.

Sounds like a tagline from a commercial advertisement, yeah? But truth be told, it ain’t easy, and won’t ever be.

You see, as a single mother of two little ones who always keep me on my toes, I am sure I can use up all the excuses available. And there are a tad load of them!

But, no.

I mean, why?

Why when I am now 8 kilograms lighter than when I started?

Why when my Hangul is more fluent than it had ever been?

Why when my skin has cleared out a lot?

Why when my double chin is slowly bidding me farewell?

Why when my health is slowly but surely getting into tip-top shape?

Why when I can say “Jij betekent de hele wereld voor mij!” or Ik ben een konijn, alstublieft oordeel niet, hartelijk bedankt!” without getting tongue-tied?

Why when my mood swings have lessened?

Why when my collarbones are proving me wrong about their non-existence?

Why when my spending has mellowed down?

Why when my kids tell me that I’m their star, their heroine, and that their love for me will see no end?

Why when my smiles are more evident?

Why when my hair – well, it has its own pace, but it’s getting back to normal? #ByeBlonde

What I’m only implying is that no matter how little, I see progress.

A progress where I am rewarded with a better sense of self-worth every time. A self I have learned to love so dearly and more than ever, since I began this journey.

So why would I stop now?

Especially, now!

Now, that I engage in several activities in hopes I can maintain an active lifestyle.

Now, when I started indulging in personal growth sessions as much as I can squeeze them in my schedule.

Now, that I try to think, act, and breathe as positively as I could.

And now, where I am slowly ousting drama in my life, with the exception of Korean ones.

*sneers at the thought that I might have just dropped a really good pun*

Why now?

*brushes my khaki corduroy blazers that I don’t actually have in real life*

So, that’s the road I am currently taking. #TheRoadTo30 *frowns* 

That’s the gift of myself to myself. *smiles back at the wholesome idea*

Moreover, I’m working on a huger project.

One that I’d like to fondly call…

*insert Stars by The Weepies in the background*

Living A Life Of Legacy

You see, at this time and age, I feel like I am already halfway through my life. Who knows, right? And I don’t feel like wasting any moment further.

I only ever wanted to reach out and make sure people are okay. That they don’t feel alone in their loneliest of days. That they don’t feel desperate looking for someone to talk to yet no one is around.

It’s hard. But I’m here! And I should honestly make an effort to make myself useful. I don’t want to die living this way. I don’t want to live dying this way. I don’t want to be forgotten, just like that. I want more from life. I want to look out for people. I want to be the person to worry about them when nobody does.

And thus, I want to live a life of legacy that way. If not for everyone in the world, at least for people whom I know, or have been with, or will meet. I’m trying to make it up to a lot of family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers, even.

Mostly those whom I feel are like me.

Those who would take a lot to unravel their depths.

Those who have the same tendency as I do.

Those who built their walls too strong.

Those who raised their standards too high.

Those who set their expectations too unrealistic.

Those who shut people off.

Those who shaved their heads.

Those who went mental.

Those who became suicidal.

I’ve been there. In fact, I’ve been through so much.

But so did everyone.

Yet, if I could and have the ability to, I don’t want people to experience that. I do not want anyone to go through the same. At least not in my sight.

If you are going through that now, you’ve come to the right place. Consider this a sign.

When at times, you feel like your only escape is to end everything right there and then, believe me, it isn’t. There is hope.

“For all you know, the universe is rigged up into your favor.” I saw this in one article not too long ago. Very beautiful, isn’t it?

Whether you are experiencing something good or bad right now, know that when you look back after a few years, you would see how things have fallen in place.

I, myself, am slowly picking up the pieces and decided to live life as happily, as positively, as actively, and as openly as I ever could.

As a matter of fact, I created a standard of how I wanted to live my life – meaningfully, that is.

Hopefully, you will too. No, I mean, you should.

Small things. Ripple effect.

Let’s make the world a little more tolerable to live in. Shall we? Yeah? Are you with me on this? *grimaces*

I want you to know I’m here, if anything. Just reach out. Try me. I’ll be around.

Happy birthday to us, if reading this felt like you’ve just been birthed, and that you can start anew, with me alongside of you!

 

From,

Fae