OUT OF REACH NO MORE

THE TREE

In my quest to try and live a life of legacy where I wouldn’t want to be easily forgotten, I tried one thing that I have always been afraid of – reaching out to people.

These days, I like my presence to be known. I’d like to leave footprints in people’s hearts as much as I could as proof that once, I existed. And that for once, I lived.

I don’t know what has gotten into me, but turning 30 recently made me feel as though I am already halfway through life.

It made me become more in tune with my thoughts, my feelings, and with the present happenings around me.

THE BARK

I usually wait for the right time – I’m a procrastinator. I don’t know if it’s stemming from my own self-doubts or that I really believe things could still get better.

I always thought my skin could get better, I always thought I could always lose some more weight, I always thought I could dress better, and I always thought my life would probably be a whole much more meaningful if I just work a little harder.

But I realized so much time has passed by waiting for the right moment – to be happy, to be content, to live life.

THE BRANCH

So I decided I’d like to be present in the moment.

Recently I attended a highschool classmate’s wedding – something I would never do out of the blue, or just because. But I did anyway. Because that one time will never happen again.

I also show up in family reunions as much as I could after all these years of missing in action. I spend more time laughing with my cousins, appreciating their quirks, re-living the yesteryears, helping out my relatives in ways I know how, and just try to be around, really.

I try to play with the little ones at home if I could – because they wouldn’t always be little, and I know I will miss it when they aren’t anymore.

I hug and kiss my parents more, and purposely annoy them at times too. I figured I want to be more showy with my feelings, be someone they can vent to and lean on, and recently, I at least think I tend to be more sensitive to their feelings too.

And these do not happen only if I get the time – I now make the time.

THE ROOT

We only have one life, and here I am trying to document these little things, because I don’t want to forget any of them. I feel like I have developed this fear of missing out – but in a good way.

I can’t be wasting all these preciousness because it is rare.

Imagine, I could have been born 80 years ago, and all these people in my life could have just been born. We could have probably not met – but we all did at a certain point in this life.

In this timeline, we were all given a chance to meet. Of all people I could’ve met, here you all are. We were gathered in one place. And I think I should make that rare chance count.

THE SPROUT

I recently celebrated my birthday – and hadn’t it been for Facebook reminding everyone it is indeed my birthday that day, or allowing people to post on my feed for the first time, not much people would have probably remembered it is my birthday.

And this thought occured to me many times that day. “Have I not touched enough people’s lives that no one tends to remember me even on my special day?”

It hit me. And it hit me hard at that.

Of all the people I came across with – batchmates, colleagues, people from a religion I do not practice anymore, schoolmates, acquaintances, guildees, TV industry – not much remembered.

THE FLOWER

Which brings me down to this new quest – one where I touch more people’s lives. How I do that, I barely even know. But I can always try one good deed at a time.

These days, I breathe air like I would never have a chance again. I spend my days like I wouldn’t have another. I now choose my battles, and I seize the day and weigh out what matters.

THE FRUIT

So I am reaching out to you – whoever you are.

Whether you were part of my past or will be part of my future…

*extends hand*

“Hello.”

Just take my hand.

 

 

 

 

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I FELL IN LOVE

You might be thinking “Don’t we all?”

Yes, we probably all have at one point or another.

But this is different. And if you allow me to let you understand my standpoint as to why I had to get this post out, it might just open your eyes.

Shall I tell you my story?

 

I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE

“I have never been in love.”

This is probably one of the toughest claims I ever had to make.

In fact, I only recently realized this after not having been in a relationship for long.

It has finally occurred to me how a pause is utterly important.

Sometimes, we need to find time away from things to regain its meaning again, just like life, love, and all the aspects in between.

And this isn’t something I came up with just out of the blue.

It took so much thought, so much experience, so much comparison, and so much reasoning, before I became stern with my conclusion.

Finally, I guess it’s safe to say that I was able to distinguish what love is from what it is not, although it’s not in any way my intention to define what it is, today – just a heads up!

 

I HAVE NEVER BEEN RIGHT

“My ideas were quite wrong.”

For some reason, I always get attracted to broken people. To me then, love was when you feel this innate desire to fill in people’s brokenness.

That’s where my idea revolved around when it comes to love.

And I guess my idea is kind of twisted.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I give out compliments.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I make sure that they feel confident about themselves.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I worry about them purposely. (And sometimes, forcefully too!)

I thought back then that it was love whenever I show them affection.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I let them have my full attention.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I ensure they feel secured, wanted, and missed.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I have them do things their way.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I allow everything they wanted to.

I thought back then that it was love whenever I provide them more room for my own self-sacrifice.

I was wrong.

The things I thought back then weren’t the only things that define you indeed fell in love with a person.

Boy, did I have to learn the hard way that everything I thought about love, wasn’t love at all.

I swear it was quite a feat!

 

I HAVE NEVER BEEN CLEAR

“I probably just needed some company.”

It was always only as if I have to force myself to this person I do not truly want – but was available.

Now that I think about it, I must have never fallen head over heels over anybody, I would say. It was always more of an obsession I created, or an addiction that was hard to quit.

Sometimes, I just try the best that I ever could to accept them until my own system regurgitates them off of me.

Until I find that everything they say, do, or even breathe, are all annoying.

More like, I only prioritise them at one point in my life, until it sucks.

#NAMSAYN #YouKnowWhatIAmSaying

I even have a record of being the one to always leave in a relationship.

Am I bad? You can say so.

And I won’t blame you.

Perhaps it has also been too easy to lay down the words “I love you.” as opposed to really doing them.

If I were to word it in my own terms, it is probably more of that I dedicated myself to a person for a certain period of time, instead.

Although on a side note, I’d seriously compliment myself in that regard, as I really liked the way I dedicated my life to the ones whom I thought I loved.

Because it turned out, that I fought for them in all ways I could, I gave them everything until I bleed out dry, and because I cared for them the best way I know how – while it lasted.

No regrets, indeed!

 

I HAVE NEVER BEEN AVAILABLE

“I’ve never given my 100%, even for once.”

I guess it was all because of the reason that I wasn’t available in most, if not all aspects – physically, emotionally, financially, and et cetera.

I could have dedicated my life to these people – but in reality, at the back of my head, I have other plans.

In fact, up until this point, being in love with another individual is not a priority for me. Not at all.

To a point where if I a guy that I like will try to make a move, they will only get turned down non-chalantly.

Not only that, my standards have been set so unrealistically high these days as I realize and learn a ton of things.

Besides, I have too many things to work on, too many things to improve, too many responsibilites, too many obligations, and too many dreams to reach.

 

BUT TODAY I FELL IN LOVE

“But today, I fell in love.”

Yes, I did.

And I am proud to finally say so.

Here’s our story…

I met this person today, and boy, did I like everything I saw.

Skin is rather dry. Face is rather swollen. Hair is rather disheveled all over.

But what struck me the most is the peace you can see in those eyes longingly looking at me.

I smiled.

“Ah, so this is you.” I muttered.

I tried to take a picture of this person through my phone’s camera with no filters and all – something I myself have always dreaded doing.

But upon seeing the photo, I felt pity altogether.

I frowned.

And the words that came out of my mouth were: “Stop looking for your other half. You, yourself are whole.”

It was stern. My words were.

This person is here, fighting for existence, finding a place here on Earth, and here I am, already judging too easily just like that.

Am I not?

Perhaps. Perhaps not.

Honestly, I have finally come to my senses and realized just how much potential I have – which is one major difference from then and now. Not fully, but enough to know. 

I now know that I can give so much more.

I now know that I am worth so much more.

I now also know that love is something so much more.

I am slowly learning to value myself better these days, even.

Which is exactly why I am being like this towards this person.

This person in the mirror looking back at me, whom I have completely chosen to fully fall in love with.