You might be thinking “Don’t we all?”
Yes, we probably all have at one point or another.
But this is different. And if you allow me to let you understand my standpoint as to why I had to get this post out, it might just open your eyes.
Shall I tell you my story?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE
“I have never been in love.”
This is probably one of the toughest claims I ever had to make.
In fact, I only recently realized this after not having been in a relationship for long.
It has finally occurred to me how a pause is utterly important.
Sometimes, we need to find time away from things to regain its meaning again, just like life, love, and all the aspects in between.
And this isn’t something I came up with just out of the blue.
It took so much thought, so much experience, so much comparison, and so much reasoning, before I became stern with my conclusion.
Finally, I guess it’s safe to say that I was able to distinguish what love is from what it is not, although it’s not in any way my intention to define what it is, today – just a heads up!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN RIGHT
“My ideas were quite wrong.”
For some reason, I always get attracted to broken people. To me then, love was when you feel this innate desire to fill in people’s brokenness.
That’s where my idea revolved around when it comes to love.
And I guess my idea is kind of twisted.
I thought back then that it was love whenever I give out compliments.
I thought back then that it was love whenever I make sure that they feel confident about themselves.
I thought back then that it was love whenever I worry about them purposely. (And sometimes, forcefully too!)
I thought back then that it was love whenever I show them affection.
I thought back then that it was love whenever I let them have my full attention.
I thought back then that it was love whenever I ensure they feel secured, wanted, and missed.
I thought back then that it was love whenever I have them do things their way.
I thought back then that it was love whenever I allow everything they wanted to.
I thought back then that it was love whenever I provide them more room for my own self-sacrifice.
I was wrong.
The things I thought back then weren’t the only things that define you indeed fell in love with a person.
Boy, did I have to learn the hard way that everything I thought about love, wasn’t love at all.
I swear it was quite a feat!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN CLEAR
“I probably just needed some company.”
It was always only as if I have to force myself to this person I do not truly want – but was available.
Now that I think about it, I must have never fallen head over heels over anybody, I would say. It was always more of an obsession I created, or an addiction that was hard to quit.
Sometimes, I just try the best that I ever could to accept them until my own system regurgitates them off of me.
Until I find that everything they say, do, or even breathe, are all annoying.
More like, I only prioritise them at one point in my life, until it sucks.
I even have a record of being the one to always leave in a relationship.
Am I bad? You can say so.
And I won’t blame you.
Perhaps it has also been too easy to lay down the words “I love you.” as opposed to really doing them.
If I were to word it in my own terms, it is probably more of that I dedicated myself to a person for a certain period of time, instead.
Although on a side note, I’d seriously compliment myself in that regard, as I really liked the way I dedicated my life to the ones whom I thought I loved.
Because it turned out, that I fought for them in all ways I could, I gave them everything until I bleed out dry, and because I cared for them the best way I know how – while it lasted.
No regrets, indeed!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN AVAILABLE
“I’ve never given my 100%, even for once.”
I guess it was all because of the reason that I wasn’t available in most, if not all aspects – physically, emotionally, financially, and et cetera.
I could have dedicated my life to these people – but in reality, at the back of my head, I have other plans.
In fact, up until this point, being in love with another individual is not a priority for me. Not at all.
To a point where if I a guy that I like will try to make a move, they will only get turned down non-chalantly.
Not only that, my standards have been set so unrealistically high these days as I realize and learn a ton of things.
Besides, I have too many things to work on, too many things to improve, too many responsibilites, too many obligations, and too many dreams to reach.
BUT TODAY I FELL IN LOVE
“But today, I fell in love.”
Yes, I did.
And I am proud to finally say so.
Here’s our story…
I met this person today, and boy, did I like everything I saw.
Skin is rather dry. Face is rather swollen. Hair is rather disheveled all over.
But what struck me the most is the peace you can see in those eyes longingly looking at me.
“Ah, so this is you.” I muttered.
I tried to take a picture of this person through my phone’s camera with no filters and all – something I myself have always dreaded doing.
But upon seeing the photo, I felt pity altogether.
And the words that came out of my mouth were: “Stop looking for your other half. You, yourself are whole.”
It was stern. My words were.
This person is here, fighting for existence, finding a place here on Earth, and here I am, already judging too easily just like that.
Am I not?
Perhaps. Perhaps not.
Honestly, I have finally come to my senses and realized just how much potential I have – which is one major difference from then and now. Not fully, but enough to know.
I now know that I can give so much more.
I now know that I am worth so much more.
I now also know that love is something so much more.
I am slowly learning to value myself better these days, even.
Which is exactly why I am being like this towards this person.
This person in the mirror looking back at me, whom I have completely chosen to fully fall in love with.
(A Name Poetry)
My mind paints a scene.
A rather lovely one.
Reveries are its companions;
Lying on top of the hill of Utopia, you’re
Awed with the stars gleaming with life.
Ran you go, danced to and fro and swished!
Over the shadows of sham smiles you hid,
Wishing he’d come back and fetch you soon.
Even the night is as unstable as you.
Neither I – a leaf, rustles unknowingly.
An ambiance of the most uncertain silence.
“Psyche? Oh!” “You saw her again or nay?”
“Envy? Is that what we feel for her? Oh well!
Runes say she is most loved by Eros.”
Every time our conversation would go this way, I would
Zoom my eyes for the near setting of the sun.
Lament of the unholy! Lament of mine!
A hundred miles had separate!
Solely now, what is yet to come?
Tingling wind chimes as the wind blew,
Reward my frivolous mind with fright.
Over, it is. I can never see you no more.
Lest that we had foreseen it’s the end zone, but it’s…
Late. Too late, yes. And now it’s for
Oblivion to bury us in its depth.
Honestly, there’s a whole bunch of things for me to say but I’d rather keep it sweet. My head is also pounding at the moment, but I thought, in the years we’ve been together, I never really took the effort to greet you on time.
So, here it is.
I know this is a recycled birthday gift from way back when (January 2006), but I guess I never have really put you in the spotlight that you deserve.
So again, here it is.
If you’ll notice, I have included everything I thought you liked in this little poem. Or at least things that you liked back then.
So yet again, here it is.
Another thing to note is how in this picture, if you zoom in, I wasn’t really looking at the camera. I was looking at the person who has always been there for me since circa ’00.
So finally, here it is.
HAHAHA! Just messin’ with ya! HKNUDXNT!
Happy birthday, Dude! You are loved. Cheers!🥂
Tender wings are fleeting softly
Behold, it does miracles and signs
With the sprite of her power, this fairy
Brought you from its arms to mine
I was blind then and you were numb
Still I was able to see your warmth
Both in Hades, we were succumbed
Didn’t stop you to sense my worth
Savoring the hues of the yellow sunshine
Though I’m frail gray with sorrow
Green with gladness, this tree of pine
Will it be here until tomorrow?
Here I am blushing and cold
I feel a pull to get entwined
About to give in but I was told
To hold back until a few full bottles of wine
Holiday seems like a new phase
Into our hearts blazing and burning
Lips not weary and sooner a place
Where you can keep me breathing
Blending voices singing boldly
Triumphant in rekindling a love
That’s lost for a whole lot of no glory
But united by fairies and the One above
A kiss to the paleness given in force
I intended to keep your heart and fly
Then we danced with no remorse
Underneath the dark velvet sky